The New Girl In Town
by Jon The New Kid In Town
Summary: A new kid named Jon has randomly appeared in the town of south park! small little stories (around 100 to 500 words each) about every episode of south park with my OC included. (beware, I can't write. At all. Period.) And no, I don't own South Park.
1. Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

"Gee, the bus will be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around!" said Stan, completely not caring what happened to the fatass.

"Yeah! Were running out of friends!" exclaimed Kyle.

"I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave to the cows?"

Suddenly, Cartman fell out of the sky, and landed in the snow.

"Pah." was all Cartman said.

Then, a random girl the boys had never seen fell out of the sky and landed on Cartman. The girl quickly got up, and started asking questions in a quick and restless manner.

"Where is this? What year is it? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" she asked, raising her voice near the end, not pausing to take a breath.

Stan replied, "Your in South Park, Colorado. It's the year 1997, and i'm Stan. Where do you live, Why are you here, and Who are you?"

"I don't remember where i lived, i was shoved out of the spaceship just like the fat kid was, and my name is Jon." she stated.

"JON? WHAT KIND OF A NAME FOR A GIRL IS THAT?" Cartman exclaimed, laughing his fat ass off.

Jon quickly silenced him with a swift kick to his nuts.

"ugh... hate you guys..." Cartman said, holding his balls.

"So, Who's the fat kid, and who's the guy with the green hat?"

"I'm Kyle, and the Fatass is named Cartman." said Kyle.

"Can't trust Kyle... He's a dirty Jew..." Cartman said, while being kicked in the nuts again by the strange female.

"That's it. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman said in his bitchy manor, walking away, clutching his privates.

"You can't go, Fatass. you gotta go to school."

"GOD DAMMIT!"


	2. Weight Gain 4000

"Hey dudes!" said Cartman as he walked up to the bus stop with Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Jon being there already.

"What the hell is wrong with you Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?" Kyle said, seeing him in a exercise shirt in the middle of winter.

"Listen! I have a nice body, and I want to show it off! You got that?"

"What? You've got to weigh ninety pounds!" Stan exclaimed.

"I'm up to ninety four, thank you very much!"

"Mmm Mmmph Mmm, Mmm Mmm Mmmph Mmm." Kenny said.

"Yeah! They're almost as big as his moms!" Stan, Kyle Kenny, and Jon proceeded to laugh, while Cartman went bitchy voice mode again.

"Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, lookin all buff!" Cartman bragged, again, while eating Weight Gain 4000.

"What's that stuff?" asked Stan.

"Weight Gain 4000, It's helping me bulk up."

"Bulk up to what? Fatass? Super Fatass?"

"AY! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT CRAP, FROM YOU SCRAWNY WEAKLINGS!"

Jon then proceeded to kick Cartman's ass until he fell down into the snow. But because of all the weight he gained, Cartman couldn't get back up.

"Hate you guys..."

At that exact moment, the bus stopped and picked up everyone there, except Cartman, who still couldn't get up.

"God Dammit!" they could hear Cartman screaming while the bus drove away.

Jon quickly gave Cartman the finger out of the bus window.


	3. Volcano

"Hey, Ned! Hand me that gin!" asked Jimbo, drinking his gin.

"You boys wanna tie one on?"

"Ah, no thanks. That stuff tastes like pee!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Yeah! Cartman's pee!" laughed Stan.

"AY! You would taste my pee!"

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you, can't you have a little alcohol?"

Kenny then decided to drink the gasoline that was right next to him for some reason.

"_Fuck_ this, if Kenny is gonna go and drink gasoline, I'm gonna have myself a Gin. Gimmie some please, Ned?" asked Jon

Ned hands Jon her own jar, which she promptly drank the entire thing.

"Holy _shit_! That girl can drink!" exclaimed Jimbo, already slightly tipsy and not sure if he was awake or asleep.

"AY! i'm not gonna let a girl out drink me!" raged Cartman, grabbing his own bottle but only managing to drink it halfway before fainting.


	4. Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

"Hi little fella, how are you doing today!" asked Big Gay Al, watching Stan from the door of his Gay Animal Sanctuary.

"Fine, how are you?" replied Stan.

"I'm SUPER! Thanks for asking!" said Big Gay Al.

"My gay dog ran away and i was wondering if he came here." Stan explained.

"Whelp, let's see. Come on in! Someone else is also looking for a lost dog here." said Big Gay Al.

"Do you have lots of gay dogs here?" asked Stanley.

"We have all sorts of gay animals here. Over here we have a gay lion! and we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay geese!" Big Gay Al showed off proudly.

"Wow, it seems that all the animals here are- JON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A GAY SANCTUARY?" Stan questioned.

"Umm... my... dog ran away?" Jon, who had been looking for Stan's dog, actually, tentatively said.

"Wow! so did mine! at least I have someone I know here to help me look."

They eventually found sparky, rode Big Gay Al's Gay Boat Ride, and got to know each other better, and might have even felt a spark between them. At least, Jon might have.


	5. An Elephant Makes Love To A Pig

"Your sister beat you up again, Huh?"

"No!"

"Heh. Yah, Your sister kicked your ass."

"She's just pissed off cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me."

"Yeah. But that sucks to get your butt kicked by a girl Stan."

"I would never let a woman kick MY ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, AY! YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN, AND MAKE ME SOME PIE!"

Jon then punched Cartman in the nose. Again. Then Jon stormed away from him, giving him the finger.

"What's that ho's problem?" wondered Cartman, clutching his nose.

* * *

Cartman sat at his desk, asleep, waiting for the bell to ring so they could go crossbreed the elephant with the pig, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. he turned to see who it was, to see Jon.

"What the hell are you doing, hippie?" asked Cartman, pissed that he was waken up before class ended.

Jon smiled a bit, but instantly went back to frowning. She gave him a package, said "For you, Fatass." and then went to sleep.

Cartman rubbed his eyes, yawned, then tore open the package, to find a box. When he opened the box, he saw a small little pie inside.

Cartman turned around to question the ho, but decided against it when he noticed she was already asleep. He smiled, and, like any Fatass would, ate the pie.


	6. Death

"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Grandpa, Happy birthday to you." Randy, Sharon, Stan, Shelly, and Jon sang to Stan's Grandpa

"Now blow out the candles, Grandpa!" said Sharon, putting the cake in front of him.

Grandpa attempted to blow out the candles, but failed.

"Dude... That's fucked up..." Jon said, shaking her head

"How does it feel to be one hundred and two, paps?" Randy questioned Grandpa.

"Shoot me!" Grandpa replied.

"Make a wish, Grandpa!" asked Sharon.

"I wish I were dead!" Grandpa said.

Randy started to awkwardly laugh while saying "That's our silly grandpa."

"I'm not being silly, Kill me! I'd do it myself but i'm too damn old!"

"Ooh! Who wants ice cream with their cake!" asked Sharon

"Me!" shouted Stan and Jon at the same time.

Stan paused to check the clock and noticed what time it was

"It's 8:00! My favorite TV show is on!"

"That show is for babies, It's so stupid!" said Shelly, eating her slice of cake and ice cream.

"Can me and Jon eat our cake in the living room, please, can we?" begged Stan

"Oh, all right. But take your grampy with you!" replied Stan's mom

"Ah, dammit!" Stan cursed

"Language!" replied his mother

* * *

And now back to Terrance and Phillip!

"Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart."

"Wait, before you do, Pull my thumb!"

Stan started laughing at the TV, while Jon was wondering if coming to the party was a good idea. But then she remembered: Free Cake.

Suddenly, they heard a gunshot, and they both glanced at Stan's grandpa. He was holding a gun, cursing.

"God dammit!"

Jon rolled her eyes while looking back at the TV screen.

"Hey, how would you like to make a dollar, Little Lady?" he heard Stan's Grandpa ask her.

"Sorry, i'm not a prostitute." Jon said, getting up, and walking out of the house.


	7. Pinkeye

"Boo! I'm a ghost!" Cartman said to Stan, who was standing there, looking sad.

"Aww man, I feel like a total chode." Stan said to no one in particular.

"Aww, come on Stan. Maybe that's just because you LOOK like a total chode!" laughed Cartman.

Stan was ready to attempt to kick the Fatass's Ass, but at that moment, Chef walked onto the stage.

"Hello children!" Chef greeted.

"Hey Chef!" they chorused back.

Chef loved the kids costumes, until he saw Eric's.

"AAAAGH!"

Chef high tailed out of there, pure fear within him.

"Wow! Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?" said Cartman

"Hey! Where's Kyle and Jon?" asked Stan, suddenly noticing that they were missing.

Suddenly, Kyle walked in, dressed up like the solar system, and Jon walked in as none other than... Raggedy Anne.

"Hey guys." Jon greeted, looking kinda depressed. "I feel like a total queer."

"Aww, maybe it's because you LOOK like a total queer!" laughed Cartman.

Jon just rolled her eyes.

"Your lucky we are in public, Fatass. Your lucky we are in public."

'So Jon, what are you supposed to be?" asked Stan quizzically, not sure what she was dressing as.

"I was gonna go as Chewbacca, but I quickly looked through Kyle's window when I was in the neighborhood and saw that was what he was going as, so i decided to go as Raggedy Anne"

"Really? Because I came as Raggedy Andy!" Stan said excitedly.

They started to go into a discussion about _Raggedy Ann Stories, _but before it could get far, they were interrupted by the Judge, who awarded second place to Kenny, first place to Wendy, and worst place to Kyle, who ran out of the room with everyone laughing at him.


	8. Starvin' Marvin

_This by far was the hardest chapter for me to write. I just couldn't find a place to fit her, but after watching the episode for the third time, i decided here was the best place i could put her._

* * *

"Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support." described Sally Struthers, for the 14th time.

"AY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF MYAH! THIS SUCKS!" Cartman started yelling in the background.

"So please, call and adopt a child today!" said Sally Struthers, completely ignoring the yelling boy.

"I'M SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF RIGHT MYAH!" Cartman hollered at the camera.

Cartman, not looking where he was walking, accidentally tripped over Jon, who was sleeping peacefully.

"God dammit, Fatass. I'm trying to sleep." Jon said, getting up from the nice comfortable ground she was resting on.

"Jon? How the hell did you get here?" Cartman asked.

"Let's just say i adopted an Ethiopian, they sent me one instead of a sports watch, then the kid i adopted threw me under a bus and said I was the starving Ethiopian." Jon explained.

"That... That sounds oddly like what happened to me." Cartman said, utterly confused.

"You hungry? I've been here for about a week, and I know where that fat bitch keeps her food." Jon said, smiling about the thought of robbing that fat bitch's food.

_"Sweeeet." _Cartman said in reply, following her.


	9. Mr Hankey, The Christmas Poo

"So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs?" asked Mr. Garrison, completely puzzled on what to do.

Jon and Cartman instantly grouped near each other, and both raised their hands.

"Yes, Jon and Eric?" asked Mr. Garrison.

"How about we sing a song that me and Eric have been writing?" Jon said, flashing Mr. Garrison a smile.

"Is it a Christmas song?" Mr. Garrison questioned them.

"Of course!" Jon said, her smile growing.

"Alright. How does it go?" Mr. Garrison stated, eager to find a song they could sing.

"We can sing it right now, if you want!" Jon told him excitedly.

"Well, go ahead!" Mr. Garrison, about to jump for joy that his play wouldn't be ruined by a lack of a song to sing.

Jon proceeded to nod to Cartman, and he started to sing.

"WEEEEEEEEEL, Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!" sang Cartman alone.

"Shut up Cartman!" yelled Kyle, trying to keep himself from killing that Fatass.

"Howdy Ho!"

"Mr. Hankey..."

At this point, Jon and Cartman started to sing in a duet like fashion.

"Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch! then on Sunday just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!"

"Golly that's not very nice, i'd sure like to teach them a lesson!" exclaimed Mr. Hankey, getting more pissed by the second.

"Have you ever met my friend Kyle's Mom, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! Kyle's mom is a BITCH!"

Suddenly, Mr. Hankey made a dive at Cartman, hitting him in the face, turning back into a piece of shit.

"Gross Kyle!" sputtered Cartman, shit all over his face.

"Oh my lord, Kyle! Did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?" gasped Mr. Garrison.

"YOU SICK BASTARD!" Cartman hollered.

But Jon only had one thing to say to Kyle, while flashing a smile, that made Kyle feel like it was worthwhile.

_"Sweeeet."_

* * *

"I believe." whispered Stan

"I believe in Mr. Hankey!" said Wendy

Suddenly, Mr. Hankey jumped out of the box he was hiding in.

"Howdy Ho!"

Jon stood there, not daring to move, a look of pure fear on her face. Then she said

"You know what? Fuck this. I'm drunk, even if i don't remember drinking. Fucking... Screw you guys, i'm going home."

She then proceeded to give everyone the finger, while storming out.

"What crawled up her ass and died?" asked Cartman, genuinely confused.

* * *

"I never asked before, but why do you always carry around that quiver of arrows?" Cartman asked her during the chorus of Mr Hankey, The Christmas Poo.

"So I can do this when people piss me off." Jon said, pulling out an arrow and stabbing Kenny with it.

"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY!"

"YOU BASTARD!"


	10. Damien

"Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says, Green Megaman?" Stan asked in confusion.

"Yeah! Mine says Red Megaman!" Kyle chimed in.

"Right. That's what your gonna get me for my birthday!" Cartman said, proceeding to eat his lunch.

"Dude! Your not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday!" Stan said, looking pissed.

"Yeah! That's weak!" Kyle said.

"Look. It's very simple, guys. Green Megaman goes with Red Megaman and Yellow Megaman to make the Ultra MegaMegaMan. You have to have all three of it doesn't work, see?" Cartman explained.

"Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want to get you." Jon said, smashing her invitation.

"Ah, so maybe you don't want any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream then." Cartman replied with a smirk.

Jon proceeded to think about it for a second, before replaying "God damn you." and repairing the paper she messed up.

Jon then proceeded to tune everyone out, until she noticed Kenny punch Cartman in the face.

"Why? I've been ignoring everyone for the past five minutes." Jon asked.

When no one responded, she sighed and then proceeded to go back to ignoring everyone, until she saw Chef coming towards them.

"Hello there, children!"

"Hey Chef." said Stan.

"How's it goin'?

"Bad." replied Kyle.

"Why bad?" Chef asked, concerned.

"Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak." explained Stan.

"Oh children, children. you shouldn't not like someone because there different. Here, let me sing you a little song." began Chef.

_"We're all special in our own way, Everybody's different, but that's okay, 'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, Different points of view, be tall or thin, It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin, With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been, Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh..._

_Where did Jon go?"_

Jon, who left the cafeteria because she disliked his songs, went to recess early, to get away from them.


	11. Tom's Rhinoplasty

"Stan? You know it's almost valentines day?" Wendy asked her boyfriend.

"I know." Stan said, barely listening.

"Maybe we should go on a cruise or something!" Wendy thought aloud.

"I can't afford a cruise, dude!" exclaimed Stan.

"I know, but, we can make a little boat out of cardboard, and PRETEND it's a cruise!" said Wendy happily.

The idea of Wendy and Stan in a little boat on Stark's Pond was so fucking hilarious to Jon, she burst out laughing. Apparently Cartman found this hilarious as well, because he proceeded to laugh just as long as she did.

"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan demanded, a blush appearing on his face.

Ignoring Stan, they both proceeded to laugh, the hilarity spiking up again.

"That is SO LAME!" Cartman said, banging his desk.

They laughed so hard, tears started falling.

"And then we can dress up in little costumes, and pretend were getting MARRIED!" Wendy said, off in her own little dreamland.

Jon then proceeded to laugh so hard, she fell out of her desk.

Unluckily for her, Cartman also fell off his desk, and landed on her.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THAT FUCKING HURTS!" Jon cried, attempting to shove Cartman off her, with him being no help as he proceeded laughing at Stan and Wendy, ignoring everything else that happened.


	12. Mecha-Streisand

_**Finishing Season 1 On Friday! Woo!**_

* * *

"Oh look! I found another one!" Cartman said, admiring the arrowhead for a second, before realizing it wasn't an arrowhead.

"Aww this is just a stupid triangle!" Cartman complained, chucking it away from him.

"Whoa! check this out, Kyle!" Jon said, picking the triangle up.

"Whoa, is that real gold?" Kyle said, eyes gleaming.

"That WOULD be the first thing you ask, Jew." Cartman laughed.

The triangle suddenly began to glow.

"Whoa.. That's awesome..." Jon, Stan, and Kyle said at the same time

"HAY! GIMME THAT BACK!" Cartman demanded

"You threw it away, Fatass. The triangle is MINE now." Jon said, scooting away from him a bit.

"GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!" Cartman yelled.

"Two things." Jon replied. " One, i have no nuts, remember. I'm female."

"Oh yeah... i forgot..." Cartman said sarcastically, scratching the back of his head.

"Two." she said, turning away from Cartman.

"Your gonna have to get it from me."

Cartman suddenly grabbed her, and started to pat her down looking for it.

"Stupid bitch... where did you hide it!"

"Somewhere where you'll never get to." she said, smiling evilly.

"but you didn't leave! I was watching you!"

"I hid it where you hid Pip's invitation to your birthday party." She said, laughing.

"You mean... YOU STUFFED IT UP YOUR ASS?!"

Jon, who could not reply, fell on the ground laughing.

"I'M GONNA GET THAT TRIANGLE BACK EVEN IF I HAVE TO STICK MY HAND UP YOUR ASS, YOU BITCH!" Cartman said, trying to pull down her pants.

Jon wasted no time getting up and running, with Cartman not far behind.


	13. Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut

"Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissypants?" Cartman asked.

"Yes, I would love some tea, thank you!" said Cartman, talking as Polly Prissypants.

"You're very welcome, Polly Prissypants." Cartman replied.

"Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?" Cartman turned to the frog.

"Yes please, Eric. Why are you so kewl?" asked Clyde Frog.

"Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog! I just am!"

"Would you like some more tea, Jon?" Cartman asked with a smile.

"Please. Kill me now." She stated, holding her head in her hands.

* * *

I couldn't let Cartman find out who his father was. That much was obvious.

Dr. Mephesto had pulled me aside and told me some very astounding news, and it wasn't the good kind. I'm still confused about the whole thing.

If he found out who his real father was, he wouldn't stop asking questions. So to prevent him from finding out, I had to snipe Dr Mephesto.

If this guy is telling the truth... Someone i know very well is the Fatass's real mother, and i'm not sure if i want to find out.

It wasn't hard to snipe the good doctor.

All i had to do was go to Jimbo's place, get him drunk, and then ask to borrow a gun. I knew he wouldn't remember me asking in the morning.

After that, all i had to do was wait around his window till everyone arrived. After they did, i shot him and ran.

I ran for about a mile, until i found the place where I set up camp.

After getting rid of the fingerprints on the gun, I went to Stark's Pond and threw the gun in.

Then I went back to my temporary camp, popped open a beer, and drank.

Some questions are better left unanswered.

* * *

_**Time for a temporary break! Season 1 Is Finished!**_


	14. Terrance And Phillip Not Without My Anus

_**"O Canada!**_  
_**Our home and native land!**_  
_**True patriot love in all thy sons command.**_  
_**With glowing hearts we see thee rise,**_  
_**The True North strong and free!**_  
_**From far and wide,**_  
_**O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.**_  
_**God keep our land glorious and free!**_  
_**O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.**_  
_**O Canada, we stand on guard for thee."**_

* * *

"I hate Canadians." Jon said, face palming.


	15. Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut

"Where... where am I?" asked Mephesto, finally recovering from the bullet wounds

"You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but..." Chef began.

Jon began to whistle innocently, while Dr. Mephesto accused his brother.

"Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month." said Mephesto dismissively.

"Ooohhh." Chef groaned, feeling bad for the old man.

"Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake." the doctor suddenly asked.

"Oh. You mean Cartman? He's outside with Kyle and Stan. they wanted to see Kenny." Jon said, pulling off her "innocent girl eyes."

* * *

"I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is." Began Mephesto. "But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-"

"Just tell us already!" Cartman demanded, angry that he had to wait this long.

"Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that _Terrance and Phillip_ special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-"

"I saw it, i sadly hated it." Jon said in disgust.

"Remember the part where they-" Mephesto began, before he was interrupted by Cartman

"Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!"

"Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman" Mephesto said bluntly.

"What?" exclaimed Chef, not believing it.

"Yes, it's true." Liane admitted.

"No, that doesn't make sense!" exclaimed Mr. Garrison.

"Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite." said Mephesto.

"Uh-meaning what?" asked Garrison.

"Meaning that she has both male and female genitals." he explained.

"It's true."Liane admitted again.

"You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, _she_ was a _he_?!" exclaimed Chef.

"No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis. The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman's egg fertilized." Dr. Mephesto told them.

"Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak." Cartman said, holding his stomach.

"Dude! You're a big fatass, _and_ your mom's a hermapholite!" laughed Stan.

Jon just laughed, thinking about who she would tell first at school when they got back.

"I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you." His mother began.

"Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!" Cartman said, looking sick.

"Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing." Said Mephesto.

"No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my _mom?!" _Cartman demanded

"Oh. That. This might be a shock to you, but your mother is Jon." Mephesto said with a smile.

"Wait a sec. WHAT THE HELL? HOW DOES THAT WORK?" Jon said, starting to go into a mental breakdown.

"Well, when you were a month old, your parents allowed a doctor to inject you with a special serum that made you able to generate eggs at that young age. But the same doctor came one night to visit you, and stole one of your eggs using a syringe, taking it with him. Then, Ms. Cartman met the doctor at the Drunken Barn Dance, and he took some of her... um... "Sperm cells" and infused it with your egg, creating Cartman." explained the good genetics doctor.

Jon then proceeded to vomit, with Cartman running around screaming like his mother was just murdered.


	16. Chickenlover

"All right, all right! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!" Barbrady said, throwing his police badge away and running out of the room.

"Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies-" was all Jon heard before the boys changed the channel.

Jon got up from her place at the TV, and told the boys she had to go.

"I'm gonna go talk to Officer Barbrady about this. sorry i'm leaving early, see you guys later."

* * *

Jon found Officer Barbrady, and, convincing him to come to the library and to try to learn how to read. But Officer Barbrady fell asleep almost instantly.

"Officer Barbrady, if you want to learn to read, you have to pay attention!" Jon said, snapping her fingers.

Officer Barbrady woke up, yawned, and fell back to sleep.

"God Dammit..." Jon said, leaving him be.

Jon quickly ran to Tweek's place to buy a cup of coffee for Barbrady. With the coffee in hand, she returned to the library and woke up Barbrady again, handing him the Coffee.

"Alright. Now, hopefully the coffee keeps you from falling asleep. Now, pay attention! This is the letter A." Jon said, writing it down.

"A." said Barbrady, nodding.

They sat there all night, Jon writing letters, words and sentences, while Barbrady studied them intensely.


	17. Ike's Wee Wee

_**I had to watch this episode 4 different times just to find a place to put her. but i found two different places! ._.**_

* * *

"I can't believe my parents are cannibals!"

"That's why i'm glad i'm a girl." Jon said. "I can't have my fireman cut off if I never had one."

"Wait a second... maybe that's it!" Stan said. "maybe females DO have firemen when there born!"

"Then why don't i have one now?"

"Remember what Kyle's Dad said? he says that most of the time they remove it at birth!"

"Holy shit... Your right..." Jon said, trying to imagine herself with a wiener.

* * *

"Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence." said Cartman, almost sadly.

"Oh deh family nrr." Ike mumbled, walking in.

"What do you want?!" Kyle said in outrage.

"I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr." replied the little Canadian boy, handing him a photo album.

"Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!" Kyle said, looking at the pictures.

"Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude." Stan told him.

"No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie." Kyle replied, being stubborn.

"Cookie Monster, two, three, four, five." was all Ike said, flipping through the pages on the album.

"Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!" Kyle finally snapped.

"Dude. you know how much I hate Canadians. But not even I would be like this to one. Your being a fucking dick." Jon said, rolling her eyes.

"Baraterndr nfard fy." Ike sad. wearing one of Kyle's extra ushankas.

Kyle went silent at this, not sure what to do.


	18. Conjoined Fetus Lady

"Damn, man. This is the big time, alright." said Chef, glancing around.

"Chef, we're hungry." complained Stan.

"Maybe if you hadn't thrown the jelly roll at Ms. Crabtree, you wouldn't BE hungry!" Jon said, rolling her eyes.

"You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese." Chef said, only partially listening to the children.

"My mom says there's a lot of black people in China." Cartman randomly announced

"What?" that got Chef's attention, and everyone turned to Jon.

"I never told him that!" she denied.

"I meant my dad mom." Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh." Chef said, face-palming.

"Are you Chef?" asked the Announcer.

"Yeah." he replied.

"The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions." the Announcer said, walking away.

"What? We did it! Children, we won!" said Chef, jumping for joy.

"Wow, that was easy." Kyle stated.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!" said the Announcer over the microphone.

Jon's team finally noticed the Washington team hiding behind the bushes.

"Hey, why did you guys forfeit?" Jon asked, waltzing over.

"You mean you don't know?" asked the Team Captain

"Know what, you fucking pussy's?" Jon said in reply.

"Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us. They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals. Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about." said the Captain, running off.

"Okay, children, back in the bus." said Chef cheerfully

"We're fucking dead." announced Jon, getting back on the bus.


	19. Mexican Staring Frog

_"Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!" _Jimbo described Vietnam to the children.

"Wow!" said Jon, wide-eyed

"And then, Ned flies onto the horse behind me, and horse leaps us gracefully back to camp!" Jimbo finished.

"And that's the way it happened, boys." he said, sitting down to drink a cup of coffee.

"And girl." Jon said, hurt.

"Yes, and girl." Jimbo said, rolling his eyes.

"Wow!" said Stan.

"Man, Vietnam was sweet!" exclaimed Cartman.

Suddenly, the cameraman walked up to them.

"Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!" said the Cameraman

"Wow!" exclaimed Jimbo

"They've gone from six people to twelve." the Cameraman continued.

"Holy smokes!" said Ned.

"You guys could get an Emmy!" said Jon with a smile on her face.

Jimbo looked at Ned seriously and said, "Girls."

They both proceeded to laugh, with Jon and the other kids wondering what the fuck was so funny.


	20. City On The Edge Of Forever

"Hey, Cartman!" said Stan.

"What?"

"Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?" asked Stan.

"Hmmm, let me see. No!" he said, smirking.

"Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!" shouted Kyle.

"Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful." Cartman continued, delighting in the looks he was getting from them.

"Give us some, Cartman!" Stan yelled.

"BE QUIET BACK THERRE!" screamed Ms. Crabtree from the front of the bus

"Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there." noticed Kyle.

"Dude, the road is always snowy." replied Stan, rolling his eyes

"I know, but, it's really snowy today." Kyle pointed out.

"Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Oh, yes I can." Cartman baited.

"Shut up, Cartman!" said Stan.

Suddenly, Cartman noticed Jon sitting next to him, staring intently.

"Cartman? May I pleeeeeeease have some chocolate cake?" she said, trying to make her voice as sweet as could be.

"Aww, dammit. making your voice go all sweet isn't gonna work on ME!" He said, indifferent.

She then proceeded to give him the puppy dog eyes, as well.

"Damn you to hell, 'Mother'" he said, giving her some cake.

"YAY!" She yelled, eating her slice.

"Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!" Ms. Crabtree yelled.

Everyone went silent, for the bunnies sake.


	21. Summer Sucks

"Let's go, dude. We're ready." said Kyle.

"What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?" asked Stan.

"Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?" Cartman asked, glaring at them.

"Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!" Stan glared back.

"Ugh... Whatever." said Cartman, hopping on the sled, which barely moved.

"What the hell is going on?" questioned Stan.

"Hey there, boys!" yelled Jimbo from his truck.

"Hi, Uncle Jimbo." called Stan.

"How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer." questioned Jimbo.

"Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands." explained Kyle

"What?!" Jimbo yelled

"Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year." called out Stan

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, revving up the car

"Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case." he said, driving off.

"Buckle your seat belt, Kiddo." he said, turning to Jon and Ned in the back.

"Mmmm-where are we going?" asked Ned.

"México, my amigos." Jimbo replied.

"Mmmm-why are we going to México?"

"To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?" said Jimbo with a laugh.

"Can you PLEASE drop me off at home first, like you promised?" Jon begged.

"Are fireworks legal in Mexico?" asked Ned, interrupting Jon.

"Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way." Jimbo replied.

"I fucking swear, Jimbo. If you get me thrown in Prison again..." she said, shaking her head.


	22. Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

"I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!" complained Cartman to Stan.

"She's not My Girlfriend, Fatass!"

"Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time!" mumbled Kenny

"Sick, Kenny!" exclaimed Stan.

"Oh, go fuck your girlfriend or something." replied Cartman.

"Not sure how many times i have to say this, but she's NOT my GIRLFRIEND." said Stan.

"Dude." Jon said, grabbing his shirt.

"On Valentines Day, she wanted to FUCKING MARRY YOU IN A FUCKING BOAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUT OF CARDBOARD!" Jon yelled, dropping him on the ground.

"OK, she's my girlfriend. Happy now?" Stan said sullenly.

"Oh, just go lick her pussy already." Jon replied, rolling her eyes and walking towards Chef's stall.


	23. Chickenpox

"...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die!" exclaimed Sharon.

"My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness." said Shelia.

"I guess it's much better to get it when you're young." said Liane.

"So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young." said Sharon.

"That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time." Shelia said.

"Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it." remembered Liane.

"So it's not such a crazy idea after all?" questioned Sharon.

"No, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little girl Jen has the chickenpox right now." said Shelia.

Kyle walked in the room at that moment, along with Stan, Kenny, and Cartman.

"Are you guys having a meeting or something?" asked Kyle.

"How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Jen's house tonight?" asked Shelia.

"Who?" asked Cartman and Stan at the same time.

"Come over here for a second..." Kyle beckoned to Stan, Cartman, and Kenny.

"Jen is what Jon told out mother's her name was." Kyle explained.

"No way, dude. Why would we want to go to a girl's house to sleep over?" Cartman said.

"Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here." said Kyle.

"Boys, you're going to sleep over at Jen's, and that's final." said Sharon.

"Oh weak!" Cartman complained.

"Wait a second, did she even tell anyone where she lives?" Kyle asked.

"You mean you never found out, bubby?"asked Shelia.

"No." replied Kyle.

"Well, if anyone should know, it's Officer Barbrady. the two have grown close ever since she taught him how to read." said Stan.

"Well, I'll give him a call and ask. You four boys go get ready." demanded Shelia.

"God dammit..." Cartman said, walking away to get packed.

* * *

"Thanks for picking up the boys, Barbrady!" Sharon thanked.

"It's the least i could do, Sharon. I think she really needs some friendly company at the moment!" said Barbrady

"Alright, let's go, boys!" Barbrady declared, walking away.

Officer Barbrady took them all the way across town to the U-STOR-IT storage area.

"She lives in a U-STOR-IT storage room?" asked Kyle.

"Yep. They allow her to live here if she tells everyone how good this place is." explained Barbrady.

"But she's never mentioned it to me?" said Stan in confusion

"Exactly."

"So, which storage unit does she live in?" asked Cartman, glancing around.

"This one right here. you'll love it, kids!" Barbrady said, opening the door.

They stood there, gaping at what they saw inside.

* * *

Inside, there was a bed in one corner, with a mini fridge next to it. On another wall, there was a couch, with a coughing and sleeping Jon on it. On the back wall, there was a microwave popping popcorn. Then the boys finally noticed what Barbrady said they would think was cool.

Because right next to the couch, there was several video game systems that the boys could never afford, and a TV for each one of them.

"HOLY SHIT! HOW DID YOU AFFORD THESE?" the boys yelled, running over, Cartman grabbing a Nintendo 64, Kyle holding a PlayStation, Stan holding a Sega Saturn, and Kenny hugging a Game-boy Color.

"Oh... Hey guys." Jon said with a cough.

"DUDE. HOW DID YOU FUCKING AFFORD THESE?!" yelled Cartman.

"Oh. Them? I find them in the trash sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes. I take them to get them fixed for next to nothing. Also, Barbrady bought me the Sega when he heard I was sick." she explained, coughing.

"It was nothing..." said Barbrady.

"Anyways, the boys parent's said that they have to sleep over with you. Is that cool?" asked Barbrady

"Sure, as long as they keep it down and let me sleep. You guys can play on the systems, but please don't fuck them up. Also, here's my games for them." Jon said, throwing Cartman a copy of Banjo-Kazooie, Kyle a copy of Metal Gear Solid, Stan a copy of Marvel Vs Street Fighter, and Kenny a copy of Pokemon Blue.

"Can I move in with you?" asked Kenny

"When I'm dead." she responded, taking a sip of her Pepsi.

"Fair enough." Kenny shrugged, popping in the copy of Pokemon Blue.

"The Nintendo 64 is plugged into the left most TV, next is PlayStation, then Genesis, and the final one had a DVD player plugged in." She called out to the boys.

"Sweeeet." said Cartman, hopping on it immediately.


	24. Roger Ebert Should Lay Off Fatty Foods

"He got a full dose of the stars." Kyle remarked

"Yeah. With nobody around to say anything." Stan said.

"Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing." replied Kyle.

"Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero." Cartman said with a smile.

"Don't pick your nose, hon." chided Liane.

"God dammit, Mom, I wasn't pickin- wait a second, do you smell smoke?" Cartman said, a nervous expression on his face.

"He's right! Everybody out! M'Kay!" shouted Mr. Mackey

They proceeded to run out of the plane'arium as fast as they could, to find Jon yelling her lungs out outside, with the planetarium burning down.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR WIPING PEOPLES MINDS, YOU STUPID, FUCKING- Oh hi, Officer Barbrady." Jon said sheepishly

They glanced at each other for about 2 minutes before Officer Barbrady replied.

"You don't tell anyone that he hypnotized me to think I was Elvis, and I won't arrest you for burning the planetarium down."

"Deal."


	25. Clubhouses

"Jon! Hey, Jon!" Stan said, running towards Jon's locker.

"Yeah, Stan?" Jon asked quizzically, shoving her things into her book bag.

"Jon, would you like to come to my clubhouse with me, Kyle, Wendy, and Bebe tomorrow?" Stan asked excitedly.

Jon suddenly broke out in a frown.

"Uh, damn, Stan. I have plans that day, sorry." Jon said nervously.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Stan said, sure she was lying for some reason.

"i'm kinda already going to someone's clubhouse." Jon admitted.

"WHAT? WHO'S?" Stan yelled.

"Ready to go, babe?" said Cartman, waltzing up.

"Don't call your mother a babe, Fatass." Jon replied.

"Don't call your son a Fatass, babe." Cartman countered.

"fine, Assfat." Jon said, giving up.

"Wait wait wait. Your choosing to go to CARTMAN'S CLUBHOUSE OVER MINE?" Stan said in outrage.

"Well, yeah, dude. Have you seen how big it is?" Jon asked him, a weird look on her face.

"How big?" Stan asked.

"About 25 feet long" She replied

"Shit." Stan said, starting to get pissed.

"Sorry to leave you behind, Stan, but me and Jon have to get to our alone time in my clubhouse." Cartman said with a smirk.

"You sound like you plan on raping me." Jon said, suprised.

"Maybe I am." He replied, a goofy grin on his face.

"Kenny! Cartman's gonna rape me!" Jon said, running to Kenny and hugging him for dear life.

"I'm kidding, dickface." Cartman said with a laugh.

"Can you hug me without the shirt next time?" Kenny said, daydreaming her without a shirt.

"Do I need to pick out an arrow with your name on it?" she said, reaching into her stash of arrows.

"I'm sorry." Kenny replied, slightly scared.


	26. Cow Days

**_1000 VIEWS REACHED! YIPPIE!_**

* * *

"All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you! All right, how about "his? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked. Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!"

"Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?" asked Mary.

"Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists." replied Barbrady.

"Can i hit them with your nightstick, Officer Barbrady?" asked Jon innocently.

"Sure!"

"GIVE OUR COW BACK!" Jon yelled, beating them up.

"Oh my God!" yelled Mary.

* * *

"Huh, it's so cold here." said Tom

"Where is that sheriff?! We need water!" exclaimed Mary

"Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary." replied Tom.

"You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone." said Mary

"Yeah, and at least we've got our health." said Tom.

Suddenly, The door to the jail opened, and Jon walked in.

"You! Little girl! We're innocent!" begged Tom.

"Yeah right!" Jon exclaimed.

Jon suddenly pulled down her pants, mooning them.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH! LET ME OUT SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS!" screamed Mary.

Jon suddenly had an idea. Walking towards them, she farted into the cell.

Pulling up her pants, Jon ran out of the jail, laughing.

"YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIITCH!" yelled Mary


	27. Chef Aid

"So you see, Mr. Big Record Producer, 'Stinky Britches' was something I wrote several years ago." explained Chef.

"Hmm… I really so no resemblance between that song and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette." said the Record Producer.

"Huh?" exclaimed Chef.

"It's the same goddamn song!" burst out Kyle.

"Now, look, I'm trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!" said Chef.

_**"I am above the law!**_ Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you." laughed the Producer.

"Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you're gonna sue me?" yelled Chef.

"Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have the best in the business." explained The Producer.

"We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!" exclaimed Kyle.

"No."

Everyone turned around, and noticed Jon walking in.

"I will be your lawyer, Chef." Jon said solemnly.

"WHAT? YOUR TOO YOUNG!" exclaimed Chef.

"That may be so, but give me a chance." Jon begged.

"Do you have any knowledge of being a lawyer?" inquired Kyle

"Enough to get you a non guilty verdict." Jon stated.

"You better win this, Poor Girl." said Chef.

"Then let's get started." Jon said with a smile

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, The Record Producer's lawyer would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" a month ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one, final, thing I want you to consider."

*Pulls down a picture of Chewbacca*

"Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That _does __**not make sense." **_Stated Jon.

"Wait... JON IS PULLING THE CEWBACCA DEFENSE BEFORE COCHRAN?" burst Chef.

"Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That _does __**not make sense!**_ But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with this case?" Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It _does __**not make sense!**_Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a middle aged African American, and I'm talking about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must agree that Chef is NOT GUILTY! The defense rests." Jon said, sitting down.

* * *

We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy… Not Guilty.


	28. Spookyfish

"Oh. Uh-Officer Barbrady, Woo-what what a surprise. W-what can I do for you?" stuttered Sharon.

"Well, there's been a report of a few missing people." Officer Barbrady began.

"Is that so?" said Sharon, interested.

"Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering if you had seen any of them." Barbrady asked, gesturing for Jon to give her the pictures.

"I'd never seen any of those men, Officer Barbrady." Sharon said.

"No, I didn't think so. Mind if my Junior Detective and I look around the backyard, though?" he said, gesturing to Jon.

"Why would you wanna do that?" asked Sharon.

"Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards. Missing people usually turn up hiding in someone's bushes. May I?" Barbrady said, pushing himself inside.

"Well, this all looks in-" Barbrady began, before being assaulted from behind.

"Oh? Tennis anyone?" He said before falling to the ground.

"BARBRADY!" Jon yelled before also being silenced by the pan.


	29. Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!

"Can't tell _me_ what to do! I'm eight years old!" Stan said angrily, pulling a backpack out of his closet, filling it, and opening his window, looking back for a moment.

"I don't need this stupid family anyway!" he thought, and he jumped out of the window, landing perfectly on Jon, who was walking calmly by.

"GOD DAMMIT! THAT FUCKING HURT!" Jon yelled, shoving Stan off her.

"Jon? I'm sorry! But why are you here?" asked Stan.

"Is it illegal to take late night walks?" Jon questioned.

"Yes." Stan said seriously.

"Your a fucking idiot." Jon said, shaking her head and walking away.

"Get back here!" Stan said, running after her.

"What the fuck do you want?" She said angrily, glaring at him.

"I want to know why your taking this late night walk." Stan said truthfully.

Jon let out a sigh before replying.

"I'm thinking."

"About what?" asked Stan.

"Personal things." she said, being non-descriptive

"What personal things?" Stan questioned further.

"How many tampons i can stick in my vajayjay before it pops." Jon said with a smile.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Stan yelled.

"I'm kidding. Fucking idiot." Jon said with a laugh.

"Thank god... So what are you thinking about?" He asked again.

"I'm thinking about my origins." Jon replied, starting into a slow walk.

"Huh?" Stan said confused, walking by her side.

"I'm wondering who my parents are." She said flatly.

"Oh." Stan said, going quiet.

They walked for about five minutes, before Jon asked,

"So why are YOU out here?"

"Running away. My parents said I couldn't go with Cartman to his family's house, but I'm gonna go anyways." Stan explained.

"Why won't they let you go?" Jon wondered aloud.

"It's too close to the holidays." Stan said.

"Understood." Jon replied with a nod.

They kept walking in silence, until Jon tripped on a tree root.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" She yelled, while Stan just stood there laughing.

"Up you get." Stan said, still laughing, while helping her back onto her feet.

"Thanks." she said curtly, while proceeding to walk.

After about five minutes, they found themselves in front of Jon's "house".

"So, um. You walked me home like a real gentleman." Jon said hesitantly.

"I did?" Stan said, looking up, finally noticing his location.

"Yep. so anyways, got anywhere to stay for the night?" inquired Jon.

"Nope." Stan said sadly.

"Well then, I found another bed in the trash earlier. If you wanna see if it's still there, we can go and bring it inside." Jon ventured.

They went and found the bed, lying among empty boxes of Snacky-Smores™ and Cheesy Poofs.

"Thanks for letting me sleep here, Jon!" Stan said, half carrying, half dragging the bed.

"No problem!" Jon said with a smile.

They fell asleep almost instantly, and when they woke up, went to Cartman's house for the ride to his relatives house.


	30. Gnomes

"Now, this'll be a group project, so I'm going to place you all into groups of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Jon, and Token, you'll be Group 1." Said Mr. Garrison, thinking.

"Sweet." Jon said, grinning.

"and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, a-and, and Tweek."

"AAAghah heheh." squeaked Tweek.

"Oh, not Tweek." complained Stan.

"We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek." said Kyle.

"Can't we have Jon and Group 1 get Tweek?" asked Cartman.

"There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I bet he'll do a great job in your group." Mr. Garrison encouraged.

"I can't take that kind of pressure. No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!" begged Tweek

"Dude, we can't work with this kid." said Stan.

"Yuh-ugh!" squeaked Tweek

"That's what Chad Everett thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center. He thought. "Who is this woman with her gazungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine?" Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So, you see?" Mr. Garrison explained.

"No." said Stan, genuinely serious.

"Well, let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up!" threatened Mr. Garrison.

"Wagh!" whined Tweek.

* * *

"So, guys. What are we gonna write about?" Jon asked her teammates.

"What about that lost Canadian kid?" Wendy piped up.

"Huh?" said Jon.

"Apparently, there was this kid born in Canada, but she just vanished out of thin air at a really early age. Poof!"

"And this has to do with South Park... How?" asked Clyde.

"The father has been going around the country, stopping in town all across the U.S, and apparently, they are stopping here tomorrow!" explained Wendy.

"That might be the kick ass current event we need!" said Jon excitedly.

"All right. Let's split up. Me and Jon will investigate the past of this kid, and Clyde and Bebe will find out where the Canadian parent is visiting at." said Wendy.

"What about me?" asked Token.

"You can get us coffee if you want." Jon said with a smirk.

"Fine..." Token said, walking away.


	31. Prehistoric Ice Man

_**Season 2 Done!**_

* * *

"As we steer our boat down , looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off."

"Oh, no!" Kenny gasped.

"Hi guys!" Jon exclaimed, walking in the door.

"I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole."

"Bye guys!" Jon exclaimed, walking out the door.

* * *

"Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time." Dr. Mephesto said, deep in thought.

"Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off." the Mayor said dismissively.

"Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him." offered Mephesto.

"Really." said Stan, looking pissed.

"Sweet. How about Steve?" asked Kyle.

"Steve it is." Mephesto said, dragging the body away.

"Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!" called out Stan.

"Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available."

* * *

"This is very exciting." Dr. Mephesto said while using a blow dryer to melt the ice.

"Yeah yeah. as long as i get my 3.50 for helping you guys melt this thing, i'm happy." said Jon, having a blow dryer of her own.

"He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era." Mephesto said in wonder.

Dr. Mephesto turned off his blow dryer and proceeded to pull out a flashlight and began investigating the body.

"Do you see that, kids? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us!"

"Are we almost done? I want my tree fiddy." Jon whined.

"Almost. Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away." Mephesto said.

"Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here. Hey Jon." Barbrady said.

"Hi Barbrady!" Jon exclaimed, running up to him.

"As i said before, there is nothing to see here." Barbrady repeated.

"What about the prehistoric ice man?" asked The Reporter.

"Oh, yeah. There is that" Barbrady noticed.

Barbrady grabbed Jon's hand and mover her slightly to the side to let the press in.

"Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?" begged a Reporter.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! Although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes..."


	32. Rainforest Schmainforest

On a completely unrelated note, I just noticed that in the episode You Have 0 Friends, during Cartman's podcast, it actually says Jon at the bottom of the screen, exact same spelling, getting 3 friends on Facebook. I didn't know about this before making my OC and starting this story, and it had 0 influence over my character's name. I just find it really cool, because it makes my OC slightly more believable.

* * *

"I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!" Mr. Mackey complained.

"I know." Craig replied.

"Why can't you behave?" Mr. Mackey demanded

"...I don't know." Craig finally said.

"What do you have to say for yourself?! Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh- Did you just flip me off?" Mr. Mackey said in outrage.

"No." Craig replied quickly.

"Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight, uh- There! You just flipped me off again!" Mr. Mackey yelled.

"No I didn't." Craig once again replied.

"Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay?! Next! Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Eric, and Jon." Mr. Mackey said with a smirk.

"Hey, Craig." Kyle said.

"Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled.

"Sit down, kids. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? "These children were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation about the rain forests. Except Jon, who had nothing to do with this. I sent her because she pisses me off for some reason."

"Hey!" Jon said in outrage.

"It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing." complained Stan

"Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids" is not dumb, m'kay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors."

"Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use prerecorded tapes." Kyle exclaimed.

"Well, guess what, kids? I think that "Getting Gay With Kids" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all five of you." Mr. Mackey decided.

"What?!" Stan exclaimed.

"You can't do that!" Kyle demanded.

"I didn't even do anything!" Jon said, looking livid.

"I think this will be very good for you." Mr. Mackey said with a smile.

"But we don't even care about the rain forest." Stan explained.

"And that's exactly why you need to go!" Mr. Mackey announced.

"Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey." begged Cartman.

"Have a good time at the rain forests!" Mr. Mackey said, not even listening.

"Son of a bitch..." Cartman muttered as they left his office.


	33. Spontaneous Combustion

"Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And both of them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nurection. So I want to get him one." Kyle told the salesman, who decided to slam the door in his face.

"Damn it! What the hell is wrong with everybody?" Stan wondered.

"That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?" Kyle asked.

"You guys, take it seriously." Kenny mumbled.

"Sup, faggots." Jon said, walking up to them from Jimbo's Guns.

"What are you guys doing?"

"We've been kicked out of 5 stores." Stan said.

"Why?" Jon asked quizzically.

"WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD! I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom!" Kyle yelled.

"What?" said a random man walking by.

"eh... eh heh... eh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S WHAT YOUR FUCKING LOOKING FOR?" Jon said, crying from laughter.

"Yeah! Do you know where i can get one for my dad?" Kyle said excitedly.

"Kyle, come here. Sit on Jonny's lap." Jon said, looking serious.

"Kyle, an erection is... uh... it's when your fireman get's hard and stiff. usually triggered by females like me, when the male sees us naked." Jon explained.

Kenny decided at that moment to randomly catch on fire.

"DA FUCK? YOUR EXPLANATION KILLED KENNY!" Kyle yelled, running away from her.

"YOU BASTARD!" Stan cried, running after his Super Best Friend.

Jon just shrugged. "I tried."


	34. The Succubus

"Dude! I hate Mr. Derp!" Kyle angrily said.

"Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back." Stan told them.

"I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty funny." Cartman said, laughing.

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle Yelled.

"At least Mr. Derp doesn't sing sexually offensive songs..." Jon muttered.

Mr. Derp then proceeded to sing "I'm gonna make love to you woman."

"Why, Jesus. why." Jon turned to the heavens, and prayed out loud.

* * *

"Hello there, children." said the man who answered the door.

"Who are you?" Stan asked rudely, getting hit in the back of the head by Jon.

"I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding." Chef's dad introduced himself.

"Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him." Kyle asked.

"Well, come on in." Chef's father said, letting them in.

"I need to ask him for money." Jon said, walking through the now open doorway.

* * *

"Hello children!" Chef said happily

"Hey Chef!" Stan and Kyle replied.

"Chef!" Jon said hurriedly.

"Yeah, Jon?" Chef asked.

"Can I borrow some cash?" Jon begged.

"Sure! How much?" Chef said, taking out his wallet.

"...Uh I need about tree-fitty."


	35. Jakovasaurs

_**After next chapter, Which is Tweek Vs Craig, It's time to start on the movie!**_

* * *

"What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show." Cartman complained to Stan and Kyle.

"Oh, he'll win. Don't worry. And when he does, he will be on his way." Stan said.

"We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears." Kyle said.

"Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine." Cartman said in deep thought.

"There it is! That must be of the antelope family." Stan announced.

"CARTMAN!" a voice shouted.

Cartman turned to find Jon running towards him.

"The fuck you want, Jon?" Cartman demanded.

"THAT'S KENNY! NOT A NEW SPECIES! THE GAMESHOW IS A FIX!" Jon explained.

"YOU FUCKERS! JON! GET ME BACK TO TOWN!" Cartman shouted in outrage.

Jon and Cartman proceed to run back to town, while Kenny proceeded to get mauled by a black bear.


	36. Tweek Vs Craig

Movie time next chapter!

* * *

"Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect. [Craig flips him off] In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf." the Master instructed him.

"Meatloaf?" Craig asked, confused.

"The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is Jon ready?" the Master asked her.

"I'm ready!" Jon said.

"Your gonna make me fight a girl?" Craig said, laughing.

"Scared?" Jon taunted.

"Let us begin. Ready? And, th-ree." the Master announced

"Respect her noexistant authoritah!" Cartman yelled.

"Your next, Fatass." Jon told him, pushing Craig.

"Respect her authoritah!" Cartman amended.

"That's better." Jon said, turning around and shoving Craig with her ass.

"Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!" the Master reminded him.

"Dude. Come on, now. Come on." Cartman cried out.

"Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!" Craig cried out.

"Fight back! Resist the ass!" Cartman yelled.

"How can I resist an ass so great?" Craig cried out.

"Your all perverts." Jon said, rolling her eyes, still shoving him.

"It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind." the Master told him, ignoring Jon.

"This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master." Craig said, going weak.

Jon the proceeded to finally shove him out of the ring.

"I win! Take that, you middle finger loving asshole!" Jon said, doing a victory dance.

Craig proceeded to give her the finger, while she just laughed it off.

"Alright. Let's go, Fatass." Jon said.

"I think C- Craig needs more practice than me." Cartman said, stuttering.

"Craig? get back in here."


	37. Mountain Town

This format is ONLY for the movie. and only in the song sections. usually. maybe. idk.

* * *

Stan:  
Hey Jon!

Jon:  
What do you want?

Stan:  
The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! Wanna come?

Jon:  
Eh, free popcorn.

Stan:  
Doesn't this landscape make you wanna... I don't know, Sing?

Jon:  
Stan... don't do this... not in public!

Stan:  
There's a bunch of birds in the sky,  
And some deers just went running by,  
Ohh, the snow's pure and white on the Earth rich and brown,  
Just another Sunday morning in my quiet mountain town!

Jon:  
Do you have to sing while we're walking together?

Stan:  
The sun is shining and the grass is green,  
Under the three feet of the snow I mean,  
This is a day when its hard to wear a frown!  
All the happy people stop to say hello,

Man on the Street:  
Get outta my way!

Stan:  
Even though the temperature's low,  
It's a perfect Sunday morning in my quiet, little mountain town!

Jon:  
Guess so.

Sharon Marsh:  
Well, good morning Stan.

Stan:  
Mom, could I have eight dollars to see a movie?

Sharon:  
A movie? But I thought you were going ice skating!

Stan:  
But this is gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

Sharon:  
Alright, alright, take some extra and invite that Jen girl.

Stan:  
Thanks, Mom!

Sharon:  
Oh, what a picture perfect child,  
Just like Jesus he's tender and mild,  
He'd a wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown!  
What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure,  
And a mind so open and pure,  
Thank God we live in this quiet, redneck, mountain town!

Stan:  
Hi, is your son home?

Mrs. McCormick:  
I think so... Hey!

Jon:  
Ow.

Mrs. McCormick:  
Kenny, wake up! ... Kenny, dammit, c'mon!

Kenny:  
(I'm Coming!)

Stan:  
Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out, you wanna come with me and Jon?

Kenny:  
(Yeah, dude! Hell yes, I wanna come!)

Mrs. McCormick:  
Where do you think you're going?

Kenny:  
(To the Terrance and Phillip movie.)

Mrs. McCormick:  
You can't, you have to go to church.

Kenny:  
(But Mom, I really wanna see this movie!)

Mrs. McCormick:  
Well fine, go ahead and miss church. And then when you die and go to hell you can answer to Satan!

Kenny:  
(Okay!)

Stan:  
You can see your breath hanging in the air,  
You see homeless people, but you just don't care,  
It's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown!

Kenny:  
(Don't ya know it's like a perfect winter's day,  
And that I'm glad I can say...)

Stan:  
That's right!  
It's Sunday morning in our quiet, little, white-bred, redneck mountain town!

Kyle:  
Okay, Ike. Lets try this one more time.

Ike:  
Doo-ferm-uh-ner?

Kyle:  
Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike:  
Don't kick the baby.

Kyle:  
Kick the baby!

Stan:  
Kyle! We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Kyle:  
Oh my God, dude!

Sheila Broflovski:  
Kyle, what's going on?

Kyle:  
Nothing, we're going ice skating now.

Sheila:  
Oh, well, take your little brother out with you.

Kyle:  
Aww, Ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!

Sheila:  
Do as I say, Kyle!

Kyle:  
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Sheila:  
Look at those frail and fragile boys,  
It really gets me down,  
The world is such a rotten place,  
And city life's a complete disgrace!  
That's why I moved to this redneck, meshuggeneh, quiet mountain town!

Cartman:  
Mom, somebody's at the door! ... Mom, somebody's at the door, I said!

Liane Cartman:  
Coming, hon.

Cartman:  
Ey, I can't see the TV!

News Reporter:  
It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

Liane:  
Ooh, look Eric. It's your little friends.

Ike:  
Fireman!

Cartman:  
What are you guys doing here? ... Sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!

Kyle/Stan/Cartman/Kenny/Jon:  
Off to the movies we shall go,  
Where we learn everything that we know,  
Because the movies teach us what our parents don't have time to say,  
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete,  
'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet,

Cartman:  
Super sweet!

All:  
Thank God we live in the quiet, little, redneck, podunk, white-trash,

Kenny:  
Kick ass!

All:  
U- S- A-!

Stan:  
Can I have six tickets to Terrance and Phillip, Asses of Fire Please?

Ticket Salesman:  
No!


	38. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 1 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
Now, more than ever, they give me butterflies.  
Wendy makes my stomach queasy every time she walks by.  
I know I can choose one, if i try!

* * *

_**Not sure what this is, but i guess this will kinda separate each chapter of the movie. so some shit like that.**_


	39. It's Easy M'Kay

This means that it's an action, not included in the song.

* * *

Mr. Mackey:  
There are times when you get suckered in,  
By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mm'kay.  
But it's when you do these things too much,  
That you've become an addict and must get back in touch...

You can do it, it's all up to you, mm'kay,  
With a little plan you can change your life today!  
You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack,  
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack,  
Follow my plan and very soon you will say, it's easy m'kay!

Step 1: Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole"!  
Step 2: Instead of shit say poo, as in "bull poo", "poo head" and this "poo is cold".  
Step 3: With bitch drop the 't' because bich is Latin for generosity!  
Step 4: Don't say fuck anymore 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say, so just use the word mm'kay!

Children:  
We can do it it's all up to us, mm'kay,

Mr. Mackey:  
(mm'kay)

Children:  
With a little plan we can change our lives today!

Mr. Mackey:  
(You can change it today)

Everyone:  
We don't have to spend our lives shooting up in the trash,  
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash,  
Follow this plan and very soon you will say,  
It's easy, mm'kay!

Mr. Mackey: Step 1...

Red: Instead of ass say "buns",

Boy 1: Like "kiss my buns",

Girl 1: or "you're a buns hole"!

Mr. Mackey: Step 2...

Jordan, Butters, and Boy 2: Instead of shit say poo,

Girl 2: As in bull poo,

Kyle: "Poo head",

Boy 3: And "this poo is cold"!

Mr. Mackey: Step 3...

Boys: With bitch drop the 't',

Girls: Because bich is Latin for generosity!

Mr. Mackey: Step 4...

Children: Don't say "fuck" anymore,

Everyone: Because "fuck" is the worst word that you can say,

Children:  
Fuck is the worst word that you can say!  
We shouldn't say fuck,  
No, we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

Mr. Mackey: You're cured, you can go!

* * *

As Wendy walked right past Stan to get to Gergory, Jon quickly dashed up and grabbed Stan's hand, and started to dance with him.

Stan: What are you doing?

Jon: I'm making this less awkward, Idiot. Imagine if you stuck out your hands and nobody grabbed it. That's just embarrassing! So just fucking dance with me.

* * *

Everyone:  
We don't have to spend our lives shooting up in the trash,  
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash,  
Follow this plan and very soon you will say,  
It's easy, mm'kay!

* * *

And at that moment, Stan probably did something that he would deeply regret. He kissed Jon.


	40. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 2 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
One is over there laughing with that smart new guy.  
The other one is standing right, next to me in line!  
I wonder if she would like me if i tried!


	41. Kyle's Mom's A Bitch

Stan: "Dammit!"

Cartman: "You guys, this is all Kyle's Mom's Fault!"

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: Kyle's Mom is the one that started that damn club, and it's all because she's a BIG. FAT. STUPID. B-

Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman!

Cartman: Weeeeeeeeeellll

Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman!

Cartman: Weeeeeeeeeellll

Kyle: I'm warning you!

Cartman: OK, OK.

Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a-

Jon: Weeeeeeeeeellll!  
Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world  
She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,  
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls!

Kyle: Jon?

Jon: On Monday she's a bitch,  
On Tuesday she's a bitch,  
On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch  
Then on Sunday, just to be different,  
She's a super King Kamehameha biyotch!

Jon: Cartman! You know the words!

Jon/Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.  
She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair.  
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Jon/Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch  
She's a stupid bitch! (Whoa!)  
Kyle's mom's a bitch  
And she's such a dirty bitch! (Bitch!)

Cartman: Talk to kids around the world,  
And it might go a little bit something like this:

Jon: Kǎi ěr de māmā shìgè biǎo zi yīgè biǎo zi,

Cartman: Elle est la plus grande chienne dans le monde entier,

Jon: Ze is een stom kutwijf, als er iemand een kutwijf was,

Cartman: Yeye ni Bitch yote ya wavulana na wasichana.

Jon/Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.

Jon/Cartman: She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair.  
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Jon/Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.  
She's a stupid bitch!

Stan: Uh, Jon...

Jon/Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch  
And she's such a dirty bitch!

Jon/Cartman: I really mean it.  
Kyle's mom, she's a big fat fucking bitch!  
Big ole fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom!  
Yeah, Chaaaa!

Jon/Cartman: What?

Jon/Cartman: Oh Fuck...

* * *

"All right, we are gonna need to have your blood tested to make sure you have NO Canadian blood in you." the government official told Cartman and Jon.

"Fucking whore... let's get this over with." Jon said, pulling up her sleeve.

Jon winced a bit as she saw her blood leave her body.

"Now you, fat kid." the government official turned to Cartman

"AY! I'M NOT FAT-" Cartman began.

"Your big boned. Just keep telling yourself that." Jon said.

"All right. It's time for me to test this blood. If your clean, we'll put a bit of science stuff in ya and then let you go." the Government official said, ready to go.

"What science stuff?" Cartman asked suspiciously.

"V-Chips. A microchip that will electrocute you whenever you curse." Government guy said with a laugh.

"Dammit..." Cartman complained.

"What happens if one of us does have Canadian blood?" Jon piped up.

"Then if you cooperate, we'll put you into a death camp. Did I say death camp? I meant happy camp." the Government Official said.

"...And if we resist...?" Jon said weakly.

"You'll be executed along with Terrance and Phillip." the Government official told them.

"Excuse me." the government official said, getting up and leaving.

* * *

"Austin?" the Government official called out.

"Yes, boss?" Austin the scientist asked.

"Come look at this. It's the blood of the girl. If this is telling the truth..." Government Guy pointed.

"Oh my god..." Austin gasped out.

"Get her to a camp right away. Throw her in with the scum if she resists." the Government official demanded.

"Yes, boss." Austin said sadly, getting up.


	42. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 3 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
Now, more than ever, they make me wanna spy.  
I kissed one now she dislikes me, while the other make me sick!  
I need to find the fabled cliterus!

* * *

**_Still not sure why i'm writing these breaks. Also, i went back and updated the previous chapter._**


	43. The March Of War

"Guys, flip on the TV. Maybe there's something about what's happening in the war right now." Cartman said. Stan obliged.

'Snacky Smores presents...! THE MARCH OF WAR!'

"Well, that was convenient."

'Let's hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them into action to fight the evil Canadian scourge!

A full scale attack has been launched on Toronto after the Canadians last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family.

For security measures our great american government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood and putting them into camps.

All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these death camps right away.

Did I say death camps? I meant happy camps.

Where you will eat the finest meals, have access to fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly.

Meanwhile the war criminals Terrance and Phillip are prepped for their execution.

However, the USA has discovered ANOTHER war criminal! But she escaped, so we need YOUR help to find her! If you see this girl, call us!

* * *

A picture of Jon giving the screen the finger, while mooning the camera popped up.

* * *

Their execution will take place, DURING A FABULOUS USO SHOW WITH SPECIAL GUEST CELEBRITIES INCLUDING BIG GAY AL AND WINONA RYDER!

Of course, the only way to SEE the USO show is to sign up for he army! So join the army and kill some Canadian Scum as we continue, THE MARCH OF WAR!

Eat Snacky Smores.'

"Now we know 3 things." Cartman began.

"One, Jon escaped."

"Two, she's a wanted criminal."

"And three, They will be executed at a USO show tomorrow."

"Let's see... What would Brian Boitano do?"


	44. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 4 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
Now, one's a criminal, so she needs to go and hide.  
I wish I knew where she was hiding, so I could drop by!  
I know she'll be, just, fine!


	45. La Resistance

_**SUMMER'S HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!**_

* * *

Gregory:  
God has smiled upon you this day  
The fate of a nation in your hands  
And blessed be the children we,  
who fight with all our bravery  
'til only the righteous stand.  
You see the distant flames, they bellow in the night.  
You fight in all our names for what we know is right.  
And when you all get shot and cannot carry on  
Though you die, La Resistance lives on.  
Gregory and the other Children:  
You may get stabbed in the head with a dagger or sword.  
You may be burned to death or skinned alive or worse.  
But when they torture you, you will not feel the need to run  
For though you die, La Resistance lives on.

MAC:  
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Sheila:  
Because the country's gone awry, tomorrow night these freaks will fry!

Soldiers:  
Tomorrow night, our lives will change. Tomorrow night, we'll be entertained. An execution, what a sight. Tomorrow night.

* * *

But a certain South Park police officer whispered his own revised lyrics:

Tomorrow night, our lives will change. Tomorrow night, I'll be entertained. No execution, We will fight. Tomorrow night!

* * *

Satan:  
Up there, there is so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom.  
Tomorrow night, up there is doomed and so I will be going soon!

Terrance and Phillip:  
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! You're a boner biting bastard, uncle fucka!

Terrance:  
Looks like we may be out of luck!

Phillip:  
Tomorrow night we're pretty fucked!

Stan and Kyle:  
Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Satan:  
I want to be up there...

Sheila:  
When Canada is dead and gone, there'll be no more Celine Dion!

Gregory:  
They may cut your dick in half.

Soldiers:  
Tomorrow night.

Gregory:  
And serve it to a pig.

Soldiers:  
Our lives will change.

Gregory:  
And though it hurts, you'll laugh.

Soldiers:  
Tomorrow night.

Gregory:  
And you'll dance a dickless jig.

Soldiers:  
We'll be entertained.  
(I'll be entertained)

Gregory:  
But that's the way it goes.

Soldiers:  
An execution!  
(No execution!"

Gregory:  
In war, you're shat upon! Though you die..

Satan:  
I want to be... up thereeeee...

Gregory:  
...La Resistance...

Gregory:  
...Lives on!

MAC:  
Blame Canada! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

* * *

"Is this the girl? I found her hiding in Carl's Warehouse."

The man threw an unconscious Jon out of a body-bag he was carrying.

"Yeah, that's her. Well, I need to get her prepped for her death tomorrow. Tally ho!"


	46. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 5 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
Now, one's Canadian, and now she's gonna die.  
Now whenever I think of her, I let out an audible sigh!  
I know I can save her, she won't die!


	47. I'm Super! Oh wait

Big Gay Al:

Bombs are flying  
People are dying  
Children are crying  
Politicians are lying too.

Cancer is killing  
Texaco's spilling  
The whole world's gone to hell  
But how are you?

I'm super!  
Thanks for asking  
All things considered  
I couldn't be better I must say!

I'm feeling super!  
No, nothing bugs me!  
Everything is super when you're  
Don't you think I look cute in this hat!

I'm so sorry  
Ms. Jonny  
But I just can't feel too bad for you right now.

Because I'm feeling  
So insanely super  
That even the fact that your gonna die  
Can't bring me down.

Background singers:

He's super

Thanks for asking

All things considered

He couldn't be better he must say

Big Gay Al:

I'm super  
No, nothing bugs me  
Everything is super when you're  
Don't you think I look cute in this hat  
These little pants, this matching tie  
That I got at Merv's  
I'm super

Background singers:

In the barracks and the trenches as well

Big Gay Al: Stick 'em up.

Background singers: Big Gay Al says do ask do tell

Big Gay Al: Skittles

Background singers: Yes he's super and he's proud to be gay

Big Gay Al: OK

Background singers:

Everything is super when you're gay! When you're gay!

* * *

"OK Folks! The moment we've all been waiting for, the execution!" announced Big Gay Al.

"The day is ours!" cried Satan from Hell.

"Super!"

"Oh no, dude! It's happening! We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan!" Stan yelled.

"No way, dude! My mom can't see me here!" Kyle said, terrified.

"Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother! Come on!" Stan said, grabbing his hand and dragging him forward.

"Canadians, do you have any last words!" asked Shelia.

"Last words? Let's see. Hows aboot, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CHAIR, HOW'S THAT FOR LAST WORDS?" Terrance cried out.

"All right anonymous, Ready the switch!"

"Wait!" Stan yelled.

"Stanley!" Sharon called.

"Eric!" Liane cried out.

"Kyle!" Shelia yelled.

"Go on, dude! Tell her!" Stan said, shoving him forward.

"I... I can't!" Kyle stuttered, looking at the ground.

"You can't kill them! If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein will come and take over the world!" Stan yelled.

Everyone proceeded to laugh at him.

"Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison!" Shelia demanded.

"Hey, I'm supposed to be Anonymous!" Anonymous cried out, flipping the switch.

"Goodbye, Bastards!" Shelia taunted.

The only thing Stan could hear was Jon's scream of SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

"NOOO!" Stan yelled.

And at that very moment...

"The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives!" Mr. Garrison screamed, running.

"Come on! We have to shut off the power!" Cartman yelled, running to the switch and deactivating it.

"Hey, some little fat kid saved us!" Phillip cried out.

The Canadian's bonds were removed. Terrance and Phillip proceeded to run. Jon, however, was slumped over, lifeless.

Stan ran up to her, Mole's last song playing in his ears.

* * *

Now the light, she fades,

And darkness settles in,

But I will find strength,

I will find pride within,

Because although she dies,

Our freedom will be won,

Though she dies, La Resistance lives... on.


	48. Bigger Longer Uncut Break 6 Thingy

There's two girls that I like.  
Now one died in front of me, the image won't leave my mind.  
Now the very thought of her makes me want to cry!  
I should have known I couldn't save her if I tried. 


	49. Bigger Longer Uncut Finale

Jon awoke in a place filled with fire and screams.

"Whoa... Where the hell am I?" Jon cried out.

"Jon! Your finally awake!" a voice replied.

Jon turned around and saw... Kenny.

"Wait... Kenny? I thought you died!" Jon said, disbelieving.

"I did... And so did you." Kenny told her.

"What! But I don't remember dying!" Jon yelled.

"Typical. When you die, you always have Short Term Memory Loss. You'll remember exactly how you died in a couple of minutes." Kenny said, rolling his eyes.

Suddenly, everything came crashing back down to her. The USO Show, Her execution, the last thing she heard was Stan screaming...

"Holy shit..." Jon said, falling to one knee.

"But the second Terrance and Phillip die on american ground, we will be let out of hell." Kenny said sadly.

"Huh? Why?" Jon said, getting up.

"Some shitty prophesy or something like that." Kenny said.

Suddenly they heard the earth tearing open.

"That's our cue. Ready to go back to Earth?" Kenny asked, smiling, and offering his hand to her.

Jon sat there and though for a moment.

"...Sure." She finally replied.

* * *

"...He spent so much time convincing me that I was weak and stupid that I... believed it myself." Satan said, sadly.

"I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him." Satan turned.

"Just... Make any wish you want, and I shall grant it." He said with a smile.

Kenny proceeded to mutter something that nobody besides the other four kids could understand.

"Are you sure, Kenny?" Stan gasped.

"What did he say?" asked Government Guy.

"He said that his wish is for the damage that was caused during the war to be reversed, and everyone who died could have a choice of either Heaven or life back on earth." Stan said.

"Kenny? you realize you were killed before this war started, right? you would have to go back too!" Chef told him.

Kenny proceeded to give everyone a huge speech that nobody understood.

"Very well then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess i'm destined to live in Hell. Alone." Satan said sadly.

"Hello? What's this? Hi there, little guy! Would you like to go to hell with me?" Satan asked, picking up Mr. Hat.

"Sure! I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan!" Mr. Hat replied.

"Feel free to come back and visit us anytime you want, Satan!" Chef offered.

"I just might do that!" Satan said, smiling.

"Thank you, Kenny!" Stan said.

"Yeah, thanks for going back to hell for us, your a real pal!" Kyle said.

"I was sure you were gonna wish for all the playboy magazines in the world." Jon said, giving him a playful noogie.

"Why would i need that when your all the eye candy I need?" Kenny said suggestively.

Jon the proceeded to bitch slap Kenny.

"Goodbye you guys!" Kenny said, taking off his hood, grabbing Jon's hand, and the both of them vanishing.

* * *

Chef:  
Everything worked out.  
What a happy end!  
Americans and Canadians are friends again.  
So let's all join hands and knock oppression down!

Choir:  
Good Lordy, I'm found!

Stan, Kyle and Cartman:  
Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

Sharon, Liane and Sheila:  
'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet.

Sheila:  
Super sweet!

All:  
Thank God we live in this  
quiet, little, pissant, redneck,  
podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse,  
mud-hole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop,  
hobmail, truck-drivin', old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred,  
unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash,

Stan, Kyle, Cartman:  
Kick-ass!

All:  
Mountain town!

* * *

"Look!"

Everyone looked up, and noticed two figures, holding hands, speeding towards heaven.

One of the figures was a young boy, wearing an orange parka, and the other was a young girl, wearing a purple jacket, yellow pants, a quiver of arrows on her back, and well-combed red hair.

As the figures started to vanish from sight, the watchers from the ground noticed the man slowly pull the woman into an embrace, kissing, while being outfitted with wings and halos.

And then, as quickly as they appeared, they vanished, still holding hands.

* * *

One thing I want to mention before I end this chapter.

1. Jon x Kenny will NOT take place in the rest of the story.

1A. By this, i mean next chapter they will NOT be a couple. they might be a couple later on, but not next chapter.


	50. Sexual Harassment Panda

Kenny could tell when Jon was unhappy. He could always tell by the way she messed with her hair.

"What's wrong?" Kenny asked.

"Heaven is fucking boring." Jon waid, rolling her eyes.

"What about if i ask God to get you out? I already have a 'get out of heaven free card', maybe i could convince God to release you just this once."

"Yes please! Thank you, Kenny!"

* * *

It took a long time for Kenny to finally convince God to release Jon back to Earth.

But when he did, the deal went something like this.

"How about... If you release Jon just this once from heaven, whenever you choose, I'll stay dead for an entire year." Kenny asked.

"Alright, deal. But I get to choose HOW you die, too." God finally broke.

"Sure!"

* * *

"Okay, children. Let's take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school." Mr. Garrison explained.

"About what?" Kyle asked.

"Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means? Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison said, ignoring Kyle.

"When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind." Cartman said.

"...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda" Mr Garrison said, rolling his eyes.

_Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?_  
_Sexual Harassment Panda!_  
_Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?_  
_Sexual Harassment Panda!_  
_"Don't say that! Don't touch there!_  
_Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear!_  
_He's come to tell you what's right and wrong,_  
_Sexual Harassment Panda!_

At that very moment, the door burst open, and in walked Kenny and Jon.

"Holy shit my head hurts..." Jon complained.

"Don't worry, that usually happens when you com back to life." Kenny whispered in her ear.

"Jon! Where have you been for the past month?" Kyle asks.

"They don't remember you dying. Nobody ever does. Make up some story." Kenny told her.

"I... Uh... Went to Canada for a trip. Kenny came with me." Jon made up quickly.

"Welcome back, then!" Stan said cheerfully.

"Phew..." Jon said, relieved.


	51. Meteor Shower Trilogy

"Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President and Salma Hayek!" Rumpertumskin as Cartman said.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CARTMAN UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW!" Jon yelled.

"I will! James West, cowboy and rap star! Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek!" Cartman told Artemus Clyde Frog.

"If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!" Artemus Clyde Frog said.

Jon stared in horror at Cartman.

"Are you okay, Salma Hayek?" Cartman asked.

"NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK! I'M BEING TIED UP AGAINST MY WILL HERE!" Jon screamed.

Suddenly the door opened and Cartman's mom walked in.

"Oh thank god! Ms. Cartman, can you-"

"Eric. The babysitter's here. Come on downstairs." Liane interrupted

"But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild West." Cartman cried out.

"I have to leave soon, Eric." Liane said.

"But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Ha-yek." Cartman continued.

"Come down as soon as you're done." Liane said, walking back down the stairs.

"No! Don't leave me here with him!" Jon yelled.


	52. Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far?" the DJ asked.

"This one time, like 12 days ago, I saw Jon and Cartman hugging in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt." Stan said, walking away.

Jon then bitch slapped him.

"Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids."

"Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?" Cartman said, running up.

"Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween." Kyle replied, rolling his eyes.

"That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry..." Cartman sang.

"Christmas?" Stan questioned.

"...Christmastime is presents for me." Cartman finished.


	53. Chinpoko Mon

"Hi Guys! You like Chinpoko Mon too?" Jon said, waling into the toy store.

"Go away, Jon! Girl's can't like Chinpoko Mon!" Cartman said with a sneer.

"Why not?!" Jon asked.

"Because it's manly!" Cartman replied.

"Yeah! Go away!" Stan said.

"Faggots..." Jon muttered, walking out of the Toy Store.

* * *

"Come on, brothers and sisters  
We've all got to join together  
Join together and give me money  
So I can buy more Chinpoko mon!  
We've got to stop this fight and..." Cartman sang.

"How's it goin', fat ass?" Stan asked, walking up to him.

"I haven't made any money yet." Cartman said, sighing.

"What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?" Stan asked in disbelief.

"Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two assholes done?!" Cartman raged at them.

"We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure." Stan said, showing Cartman.

Suddenly they noticed a huge crowd at Stark's Pond.

"Da fuck are they doing?" Cartman asked, walking over.

They were there, watching Jon sing and play the guitar, with her guitar case overflowing with cash.

"Da fuck! She already has at least 100 bucks! How could they like her playing and not mine!" Cartman raged.

"Sorry folks! That's all for tonight!" Jon told the crowd, while putting away her guitar.

"Hey Jon!" Stan said, running up.

"Fatass. Dickhole." Nodding to Cartman and Stan in turn.

"What are you gonna do with that money?" Cartman asked.

"I'm going to buy a ticket to the Chinpoko Mon camp for me, Bebe, and Red." Jon explained.

"But what about us!" Stan asked.

"You guys are complete assholes, remember?" Jon said, walking away.

"God DAMMIT!" Cartman said, storming after her.


	54. Hooked On Monkey Phonics

"Jon! Your a girl, right?" Kyle asked.

He was the last person I expected to be standing outside my locker at 5:00, asking the last thing I would ever expect to hear him ask.

"Uh... Yeah?" Jon said, confused.

"I need your help." Kyle said.

Jon stood there for a moment.

"Come on in." Jon said with a sigh.

Do you remember that spelling bee we had yesterday?" Kyle said, sitting on the couch.

"Yeah, with those faggy hole schooled kids?" Jon asked, opening her mini fridge and pulling out two cans of Pepsi.

"Yeah... I kinda wanted to ask for your advice."

Jon proceeded to spit out her Pepsi, choking.

"YOU? need MY ADVICE?" Jon asked.

"Yes." Kyle said, closing his eyes.

"This is rich... So what do you need my help with?" Jon said with a laugh.

"Well... I really like this girl..." Kyle began.

"Is it that faggy home schooled kid?" Jon asked suddenly.

"...Yeah." Kyle finally replied.

"You want my advice on what you should do to get her to like you?" Jon asked.

"...Yeah." Kyle replied.

* * *

"Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca.  
I don't know what to do, Rebecca.  
You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.  
So what do you say we get together?  
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!  
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!  
Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!  
You're a fox!" Kyle sang.

Rebecca dropped some money down to him, and it landed in the guitar case.

Kyle suddenly felt someone pat his back, and turned around to see a smiling Jon.

"She's hooked." Jon said

"What?" Kyle asked.

"She's hooked." Jon repeated.

"But she just walked away!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I know when a girl likes a boy. She likes you." Jon smiled.

"All right, what should I do next?" Kyle said, shaking his head.

"Come back tomorrow. Ask her to come to that shitty dance the school is doing." Jon told him.

"That might work... Thanks for the advice, Jon!" Kyle said happily.

"Whatever, Jew boy." Jon said, walking away.


	55. Starvin' Marvin In Space

"Uh, can I help you?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"Yes. I'm Connelly, and this is Sphinx. We're with the CIA." Connelly explained.

"We're here to speak with some of your students. You, you, you, you, and you." Sphinx said, pointing out Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Jon.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards done now?!" Mr. Garrison asked.

"Hey! That was Jon that went #2 in the urinal!" Cartman said quickly.

"No it wasn't, fatass! How would I go #2 in a boys bathroom urinal!" Jon denied.

"Kids, we need to talk to you about a matter of national security. Now!" Connelly demands.

* * *

"Relax, kids. We just need to talk with you." Sphinx said.

"Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking child was spotted flying some kind of state-of-the-art space craft over Chinese air space." Connelly explained.

"Whoa, cool." Cartman replied.

"Cool? That craft appears to have enough plutonium fuel on board to blow up a large city! Do you think that's cool?!" Sphinx said.

"Totally!" Cartman replied with a grin on his face.

"Alright, children, we just need to know one thing: Do you know this person?" Connelly asked, holding up a picture of Marvin.

"Heeyy, that's Starvin' Marvin." Cartman said.

"Sshh!" Stan shushed him.

"Who?" asked Connelly.

"You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna go squeeze his balls!" Kyle yelled.

"Oh. We don't know him." Cartman said quickly.

"We already know you know him. We have this! Now, who is he?!" Sphinx demanded, holding up a picture of them together with Marvin.

Jon the proceeded to fart, to the kids laughter.

"Oh god, My stomach hurts..." Jon complained.

"Jon's makin' mudpies; you guys want one?" Cartman asked.

"This is getting us nowhere. We'll have to resort to more drastic measures." Connelly said, darkly.

"But they're just kids. We can't torture them." Sphinx began.

"Look, we don't know what that craft is capable of, but the kid is going to have to land it somewhere. God only knows what sadistic backwards Third-World country could get their hands on that ship!" Connelly told him.

* * *

"What the hell did you hit, Cartman?!" Stan yelled.

"Oh, my God! What the hell is that thing?!" Kyle yelled, pointing to the Wormhole.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" everyone screamed.

Jon farted again, making everyone laugh.

"God dammit! Is there an outhouse or some shit near here?" Jon asked.

* * *

"Call those boys' mothers. I'm sure they'll be very interested in the trouble their boys have been up to." Sphinx told Connelly.

"I don't HAVE parents." Jon said with a smile.

Jon then accidentally farted again, no longer being funny to the boys.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! WHAT HAVE I BEEN EATING!" Jon yelled.


	56. The Red Badge Of Gayness

"Good morning, gentlemen." Cartman said.

"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" Stan asked.

"Teah! You're dressed up like the South." Kyle stated.

"Yes. This year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. Screw you guys, home. And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time." Cartman explained.

"You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass!" Kyle told him.

"Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did." Cartman said.

"Okay, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed ya, you gotta play dead." Grandpa Marsh explained.

"The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the war!" Kyle told him.

"Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win." Cartman said stubbornly.

"No they're not, stupid!" Kyle retorted.

"Yes we are!" Cartman said.

"How much do you wanna bet?!" Stan asked.

"Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna bet the South doesn't win?!" Kyle repeated.

"Well, this war is about slavery, so how about if the South wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month! In fact, let's throw Jon in there, too! If the South wins, you two will become Mine and Jon's slaves for a month!" Cartman yelled.

"And if the North wins you and Jon are our slaves for a month?" Kyle asked.

"Right." Cartman said.

"You're on!" Kyle told him.

"Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see you on the battlefield." Cartman said, walking away.

* * *

"Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States." Kyle said.

"Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy." Stan said.

"What the hell are you guys doing?!" Cartman yelled.

"Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!" Jimbo said.

"Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering." Stan stated.

"What?!" Cartman exclaimed aloud.

"Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I-" Kyle began.

Suddenly, Kyle was shot in the side of the head with a blank, knocking him out.

"Oops. Was I supposed to shoot him after he accepted the surrender?" Jon said, extremely drunk.

"Do I still have to sign this thing?" Clinton asked.

"Yes!" Jon and Cartman shouted.

"No!" Stan begged.

Clinton signed the bill into law.

* * *

"Alright, slaves." Jon began.

"Stan, you will listen to me. Kyle, your Cartman's slave." Jon told them.

"Dammit!" Kyle complained.

"Come on, Stanny boy!" Jon beckoned with a finger towards her house.

"Are you gonna rape me?" Stan asked.

"Da fuck? Hell no!" Jon said, pissed.

"Well, that's good." Stan said, smiling.

"Anyways, Stan. I don't plan on making you do much. Just build me a few pieces of furniture for my room house, and your good to go, until I think of something else." Jon told him.

"That's it?" Stan asked, relieved.

"Yep." Jon stated, sitting down.

* * *

"Alright, Fatass and Bitch. It's been a month. We're free!" Kyle said, spitting on Jon's shoes.

"Yep. Come on, Cartman. Let's ask the president to remove the bill." Jon beckoned.

"Dammit. Do we have too?" Cartman said, sad.

"Yes, Fatass." Jon told him.


	57. Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics

God dammit. I thought I was done with songs.

* * *

"Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this:" Mr. Hankey said.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
May your heart be light  
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.  
Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
Make the Yuletide gay.  
From now on, our troubles will be miles away." He sang alone.

"Here we are as in olden days,  
Happy golden days, of yore.  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Gather near to us once more." the children sang with Mr. Hankey

"Through the years we all will be together  
If the Fates allow." the kids sang alone.

"Hang a shining star upon the highest bough." Mr. Hankey sang.

"And have yourself a merry little Christmas now." everyone sang.

"Time to go, Mr. Hankey." Cartman said, flushing him down the toilet.

"Goodbye, everybody, and Meeeeerry Christmas!" Mr. Hankey said, flushing away.

"Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year!" Kyle yelled.

"Please... No..." Jon said, throwing up.


	58. Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus

"Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question." God told them.

"One question?" Gerald asked.

"Only one?" Mr. Mackey replied.

"What should we ask him?" Sharon asked.

"We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?" Chef questioned.

"I have it. I have the question. Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?!" Stan yelled.

"My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it." God told him.

"How did he know that?" Kyle yelled.

"You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man — with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven." God said.

"Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it?" Mr. Garrison yelled.

"I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000." God said, leaving.

"Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before! Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay. I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh?" Stan said happily.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot  
And never brought to mind?  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot  
And auld lang syne?  
For auld lang syne, my dear,  
For auld lang syne..." Stan sang.

"Your dead, Retard." Jon told him.

"Let's have a cup o-Aaaa!" Stan screamed, as everyone rioted.


	59. World Wide Recorder Concert

_**9 Chapters in one day. Why not?**_

* * *

"You guys! You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!" Cartman yelled.

"Calm down, Cartman." Stan told them.

"You found what?" Kyle asked.

"The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look! Look. There, okay. Let's see here. Right there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?" Cartman told them.

(Ready.) Kenny mumbled. Cartman played the Brown Noise.

(Oh, shiiit. Damnit! Cartman, I've got to go to the bathroom!) Kenny yelled, running away.

"No way." Stan said in disbelief

"I don't believe it!" Kyle yelled.

"Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch." Cartman beckoned.

They quickly ran to the room that the girls were sharing. The only one in there at the moment was Jon, putting away a pair of underwear.

"Okay." Cartman said, playing the brown note.

"Whoa... Whoa! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Jon cried out, shitting her pants.

"God DAMMIT! That was my only pair!" Jon said, getting pissed.

"That's amazing." Kyle said, running away.

* * *

"You in here, Jon?" Jenny asked, opening the door.

"Jenny!" Jon shrieked.

"What's wrong, J- HOLY SHIT WHAT'S THAT SMELL!" Jenny said, instantly covering her nose.

"Uh... kinda had an accident..." Jon said, blushing.

"Oh god, Jon!" Jenny said, starting to move away.

"But it's not my fault!" Jon denied.

"YOU JUST SHIT YOUR PANTS! HOW IS THAT NOT YOUR FAULT?" Jenny yelled.

"Uh... I'm not sure. I was fine one minute, and then my bowels just... released everything. I had no control!" Jon attempted to explain.

"How does that work?" Jenny asked.

"I'm not- Wait a second... Weren't the boys looking for the brown noise?" Jon asked.

"What's that?" Bebe replied.

"I have no idea... But can I borrow a pair of pants please?" Jon asked, giving her puppy dog eyes.

"Your lucky we're on happy terms at the moment..." Jenny said, launching a pair of green pants at her face.

"Thanks!" Jon said, walking to the bathroom.

"You need a pair of panties, too?" Jenny asked.

"Nah, I brought extra." Jon told her.

"Your lucky Wendy didn't hear about this." Jenny told her.

"I still don't know why she hates me so much." Jon said, shutting the door.

"Three months ago. You went to her birthday and filled the cake with laxatives." Jenny reminded her.

"Oh right... That was awesome." Jon said, smiling.

* * *

**_By Jenny, I mean Jenny Simon(s), featured in the episodes "The List" and "Bass to Mouth"_**


	60. The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000

"Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth, then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a Sega Dreamcast."

"Sega Dreamcast?" Stan asked.

"All we need is teeth." Cartman told them.

"I already lost all my baby teeth." Stan told them.

"Me too." Kyle piped up.

(Same) Kenny mumbled.

Everyone turned to look at Jon.

"No."

"You still have baby teeth, Jon?" Kyle asked her.

"No way in hell!" Jon said, giving him Craig's favorite finger.

"Jonny, think about it. Don't you want a Sega Dreamcast?" Cartman asked her.

"I already have one, Fatass." Jon said, attempting to board the bus.

* * *

"Okay, the string is tied to Jon's tooth. You ready over there?" Stan called.

"Almost. You ready, Timmy?" Kyle asked him.

"Timmiihh!" Timmy cried out.

"When I say "go," you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?" Kyle explained.

"Timmiihh!" Timmy replied.

"Right. You're Timmy." Kyle informed him.

"Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!" Timmy said, twitching.

"Get me outta here, Faggots! Why does it have to be my tooth!" Jon cried out.

"I'll tell you why it has to be you, Jonny: because your extremely poor, and therefore, you have bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us." Cartman told her.

"Fuck you!" Jon spat in his face.

(Anytime, sweetheart.) Kenny mumbled, laughing.

* * *

"Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of Jon's mouth." Kyle said.

"Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth." Stan said, smiling.

"Get me outta here, Fags!" Jon said, starting to struggle.

"How are we gonna get it from him?" Cartman asked.

"I guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight." Stan said.

"Yeah, let's go." Kyle told them, beginning to walk away.

Kyle had said the forbidden word.

"Go! Timmy go!" Timmy cried, pushing his chair into high gear.

"No, Timmy, wait!" Kyle cried out.

"Engh go uh Timmy!" Timmy said, getting angry that he wouldn't move.

"FUCK!" Jon screamed before being pulled out of her clothes.

"Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see Jonny's titties, hahahahahaha." Cartman said, laughing.

Kenny proceeded to take a picture.

"Kenneth. Delete that right now or your dead." Jon said, getting up and running back to her clothes.

"...Worth it." Kenny said, dashing away.


	61. Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000

_**Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday to me...**_

* * *

"Look, that's not important right now! Did you bring the cigarettes, Jonny girl?" Cartman asked her.

"Uh... yes." Jon said.

"All right, give them here." Cartman demanded.

"Uh, Cartman?" Jon said.

"Yes?" Cartman asked.

"Can you turn around for a sec?" Jon asked.

"Why?" Cartman replied.

"They check you on the way in, too." Jon told him.

"So?" Cartman said.

"There up my ass..." Jon said nervously.

"Oh. Uh... Fine." Cartman said, turning around.

* * *

"Here ya go, fatass" Jon said, pushing the rest through the glass.

"Finally!" Cartman said, shoving the cigarettes up his ass.

"Straight from my ass into yours, huh?" Jon remarked.

"Just shut up and leave." Cartman said, shoving the last of them into his ass.

"Ungrateful faggot..." Jon muttered, walking out.


	62. Timmy 2000

(Jon? You in here?) Kenny mumbled, opening the door to Jon's locker, to find Jon sitting next to an empty pill bottle.

(Holy... Jon! How many pills did you take!) Kenny yelled, running up.

"That's good, Kenny" Jon responded.

(Jon, Your locker is on fire!) Kenny made up.

"I'll take three." Jon said, tongue lolling out of her mouth.

(Jon? Your father is here to see you!) Kenny told her.

"No, Kenny. I want the pink ones." Jon reminded him, pointing to her turned off TV.

(Jon? Can I have one of your panties?) Kenny asked, sure that she would snap out of it.

"Sure!" Jon said, giggling.

(Dammit...) Kenny said, walking out. Then walking back in, and taking a pair.


	63. Quintuplets 2000

_I'm addicted to Old Spice Commercial Remixes on Youtube. They're so god damned hilarious. Time To Bodywash by Mowtendoo is my favorite ; - ;_

* * *

"Jon! Jon!" Stan yelled, knocking on her door.

"The fuck do you want, Stanman?" Jon sad, opening the door to her locker, and seeing Kyle, Stan and Cartman standing next to 5 girls.

"If this is going where I think it's going, No." Jon said, starting to slam her door shut.

"Come on, Jon! We can't let them go back to Romania!" Kyle begged.

"Yes we can." Jon told him, rolling her eyes.

"Come on! Please!" Stan begged.

"If I let them stay here, I require payment." Jon finally said.

"Anything!" Stan said.

"Gimmie a minute to think. Come in, everyone." Jon offered.

"I got it!" Jon said, pouring everyone a cup of the Hot Chocolate she was brewing.

"Cartman, Kyle, and Stan. I'll take the kids in in if you go to the store and buy me a box of tampons, while doing a trio of Kyle's Mom Is A Stupid Bitch, on video."

"Hell yeah!" Cartman said, holding up his hand fo a high five.

"Never!" Stan and Kyle told her.

"I'll do it alone." Cartman offered.

"It has to be all three of you, or no deal." Jon said stubbornly.

"This is why I hate you." Kyle said, shaking his head.

* * *

"Hey Kyle!" Jon called out.

"What do you want?" Kyle yelled back.

"Remember how I made you get the song and tampon buying on video?" Jon asked.

"Yes." Kyle said, pissed.

"Well, I uploaded it to YouTube, and it already has 10,000 hits." Jon said, running away.


	64. Cartman Joins NAMBLA

**This is the chapter I hate the most. It took me 6 and a half ****_hours_**** just to think of a place to put her. Anyways, Jon is now in a fanfic besides my own! She is now included in the story ****_The Manbearpig Dilemma_**** by ****_Jack Writes For Some Reason._**** Go check it out! It's a great story so far!**

* * *

"I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese. Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick-" Mephesto stopped talking to a knock on the door.

"Who could that be? Why, it's little Eric Cartman." Mephesto said.

"Dr. Mephesto, I need help." Cartman said.

"Well of course, come in." Mephesto said, opening the door.

"You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me." Cartman said.

"Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people." Mephesto said sadly.

"Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!" Cartman yelled.

"Instead of hanging out with older guys, how about hanging out with girls your age?" Mephesto asked him.

"Ew! Girls are fucking gross!" Cartman yelled.

"What about that girl you usually hang out with? The one with red hair?" Mephesto said.

"Who, Jon?" Cartman asked him.

"Not sure. Is that her name?" Mephesto asked.

"Maybe i'll drop by her house later. Thanks, Mephesto!" Cartman said, turning to leave.

"If she rejects you, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA." Mephesto told him.

"NAMBLA?" Cartman asked.

"Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right." Mephesto said, sizing him up.

"Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto!" Cartman said.

"Sure!" Mephesto replied.

* * *

"I'm gonna kick your ass, Jenny!" Jon told her, putting Mario Kart into her SNES.

"Nuh-uh! I'm pro at Mario Kart!" Jenny said, grabbing a controller.

Suddenly, there was a knock at Jon's door.

"Dammit. Who could that be?" Jon muttered, opening the door.

"Oh. Hey, Fatass." Jenny said.

"Who are you again?" Cartman asked.

"Jenny. Jenny Simons." Jenny said, offering her hand.

"Eric Cartman." Cartman said, returning the handshake.

"So, What are you doing here?" Jon asked.

"I'm looking for mature friends." Cartman told her.

"Do you know me at all?" Jon asked.

"Um... Not much..." Cartman said, blushing.

"I'm one of the most immature people on the planet." Jon told him.

"Dammit..." Cartman said, leaving.

"I think your pretty mature." Jenny told Jon.

"I am mature. I just wanted to get him out of my hair." Jon replied.

"Oh." Jenny said, grabbing her controller again.

* * *

**_Yes, I know Call Of Duty wasn't out in the time Cartman Joins NAMBLA was made. Sue me, Why don't ya?_**

**_EDIT: Changed from Call Of Duty to Mario Kart_**


	65. Cherokee Hair Tampons

_**HIT 3000 VIEWS! YAY!**_

* * *

"Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts." Mr. Garrison began, pausing to sip some wine.

"Oh yeah, now this is getting good!" Jon said, drinking her Pepsi.

"Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard." Mr. Garrison continued.

"His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly ran down his..." Mr. Garrison paused.

"Penis." Jon told him.

"...penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples..."

"Uh, let's see... Diana's nipples... Oh, writer's block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck. Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, Jon." Mr Garrison told her.

"Fine. Same time tomorrow?" Jon said, getting up.

"Sure! Tomorrow, there's gonna be a lesbo scene!" Mr. Garrison decided.

"Awesome!" Jon said, leaving.

* * *

"Chapter 18." Mr. Garrison read out.

"18 chapters already?" Jon asked.

"Sshhh! I got an idea!" Mr. Garrison said.

"Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about." Mr. Garrison wrote.

"Oh yeah. Hot lesbo scene comin' up!" Jon said.

"And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on", Rebecca said softly, "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with..." Mr. Garrison stated.

"DUDE! ARE YOU JACKING?" Jon cried out.

"Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?!" Mr. Garrison cried out, blaming the action on his hand puppet.


	66. Chef Goes Nanners

"Jon? Jon! You home?" Wendy said, knocking on her door.

"The fuck do you wan- Wendy? The fuck are you visiting me for? You hate me." Jon said.

"I need help." Wendy told her.

"...Come in." Jon said, sighing.

"Sit there." Jon said, pointing to a chair as she went to get hot cocoa.

"We're you expecting someone?" Wendy asked.

"What do you mean?" Jon replied.

"You already had a shit ton of cocoa made. Did you expect someone to visit you?" Wendy answered.

"Well, people visiting me for advice has been happening so fucking often lately, I just make extra, just in case." Jon explained.

"So, what do you need?" Jon said, handing her a cup of cocoa.

"I need your help. Your the only one that considers Cartman a friend." Wendy said.

"Partially true, but continue." Jon said, nodding.

"I think... I think i'm developing A crush for him." Wendy whispered.

Jon then proceeded to laugh for the next 5 minutes, with Wendy getting up to leave.

"Don't, don't. I'm finished." Jon finally said.

"So, what should I do?" Wendy asked.

"We still hate each other. Why should I help you?" Jon said.

"Because... I can pay you." Wendy said.

"With what?" Jon asked.

"I can get you a spot on the girls council." Wendy told her.

"Why the hell would I want to be on some shitty council?" Jon said, laughing.

"This 'Shitty Council' controls what most girls do." Wendy told her.

"...Really?" Jon asked.

"So, do we have a deal?" Wendy asked her.

"...Fine." Jon replied.

"So. What should I do?" Wendy asked.

"I'll need to know some stuff first. When did you realize that you liked him?" Jon said.

"Um... Yesterday?" Wendy told her.

"How long did you hang out with him yesterday?" Jon asked.

"Around 6 hours." Wendy replied.

"Ah... You probably have Sexual Tension." Jon told her.

"Wha?" Wendy asked.

"You've been hanging out with him so much lately, that you started to develop feelings for him. If you kiss him or something like that, The feelings should go away." Jon told her.

"Hmm... Are you sure that's it?" Wendy asked.

"Dude. You fell in love with CARTMAN. You better hope it's only sexual tension." Jon told her.

"...Good point." Wendy said, leaving.


	67. Something You Can Do With Your Finger

**_I've been reading too many South Park lemons lately, so I apologize for this chapter. Although, with a title called "Something You Can Do With Your Finger", How can it not be thought of sexually at first? :\_**

* * *

"Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me, you guys. And he has told me how I can make $10 million dollars." Cartman said.

"...How?" Kyle asked.

"Boy band." Cartman told him.

"Boy band?" Stan repeated.

"Boy band." Cartman repeated.

"I'm not being in any faggy boy band!" Kyle said, crossing his arms.

"There's nothing faggy about $10 million dollars, asshole! This was a message from God!" Cartman insisted.

"Dude, we don't have any musical talent." Stan reminded him.

"That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass! I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do. All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over!" Cartman told them.

(That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.) Kenny replied.

"Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall. So everybody get in a straight line, we're gonna listen to a song from the top, and take it-" Cartman began.

"Wait a minute. There's only four of us." Kyle noted.

"So?" Cartman asked.

"So, all boy bands have five members." Kyle reminded him.

"What?" Cartman asked.

"'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block. All had five members." Kyle said.

"He's right." Stan said.

"Damnit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll put off practice for now, and hold auditions for a fifth member. Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning! I need to get up early and find someone to play the piano for us..." Cartman said, muttering the last part to himself.

* * *

"JON! WAKE UP!" Cartman yelled in her ear.

"CARTMAN? WHAT THE FUCK!" Jon said, pulling the covers around herself protectively.

"Come on! We need a poor person to play the piano for us!" Cartman said, trying to pull off the blanket.

"Dude! I've never played piano!" Jon retorted, yanking the covers away from him.

"Jon, Your poor, You can play the piano." Cartman said, grabbing the blanket again.

"I thought it was black people who could play piano." Jon said.

"No, black people can play bass." Cartman replied.

"Can't black people play- GOD DAMMIT LET GO OF MY BLANKET!" Jon said, yanking it away from him.

"Give me a reason too." Cartman said, pulling harder.

"Let's see. Maybe because I go to sleep without clothes on?" Jon told him.

"DA FUCK?" Cartman yelled.

"I. Go. To. Bed. Naked." Jon said, slowly.

"YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING MOUNTAIN TOWN AND YOU GO TO BED NUDE?" Cartman asked for clarification.

"Well... Yeah..." Jon mumbled.

"WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT!" Cartman asked.

"YOU try living in a storage locker. It get's so fucking hot in these things." Jon said.

"Dude! You know what, forget it. Just come on and play the fucking piano." Cartman demanded.

"Fine. Leave." Jon told him.

"No. I don't trust you to show up." Cartman said, crossing his arms.

"Fine. Go in my closet and toss me my clothes." Jon said.

"...What?" Cartman asked in confusion.

"I'm not going naked, and if you refuse to leave, I can't get dressed. Toss me my clothes, so I can get dressed under the covers." Jon told him.

"Fine! Fucking bitch..." Cartman said, walking to her beat up closet.

"Remember, purple jacket, yellow pants, I don't give a fuck about the panties, and my hat." Jon listed off.

"Dude! I'm not touching your panties!" Cartman objected.

"Then leave, so I can do it myself." Jon said, rolling her eyes.

"I really hate you sometimes." Cartman spat, throwing her a pair.

"I know." Jon said, grinning.


	68. Do The Handicapped Go To Hell?

_**I accidentally uploaded a draft of this chapter instead... oops... here's the finished version.**_

* * *

"Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days." Stan said, thinking about all they had done wrong.

"Oh yeah, okay." Cartman said, writing it down.

"And thennn there was the time we held Jon down and farted on her for 28 minutes." Stan remembered.

"Right, I already got that one." Cartman told him.

"Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?" Kyle asked, walking up.

"We're trying to remember all our sins. Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins or else we're gonna go to hell." Stan told him.

"Uhwuwhat?" Kyle asked.

"Have you confessed all your sins yet?"

"No-o-o-o-o!"

"Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to confess his sins." Cartman said.

"Oh good. I don't?" Kyle said in relief.

"No, you're already going to hell." Cartman told him, laughing.

"I am not!" Kyle yelled.

"You are, too!" Cartman said.

"Dude, this lady told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period." Stan told him.

"I'm gonna go ask my mom!" Kyle said, running off.

"Now, let's see. What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?" Stan asked.

"Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault." Cartman said.

(What?) Kenny asked.

* * *

"... There was that time I caught Cartman's cat on fire, and the time I took a shit, and then gave it to butters, telling him it was chocolate, and the time I covered the church in toilet paper, and the time where I cut off Mr. Hat's hat, forcing Mr. Garrison to call him Mr. Glasses..." Jon read off.

* * *

_**I need to spend more time writing these :\**_


	69. Probably

_**Chapter 69, and I had to make it the least sexually oriented chapter in the series. Great job, Me.**_

* * *

"Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh. It was our departed friend, Kenny! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh. He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish." Cartman told the kids in the audience.

"Wagghh..!" the Kids cried out, the picture in their heads.

"He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!" Cartman continued.

"Whoa!" The Kids said.

"And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!" Cartman finished.

"Wagghh!" The Kids cried out

"Where is our daughter?" A man by the name of Stephen walked in with his wife.

"Dad?" Heidi said in surprise.

"Marcy! You're coming home this instant!" Stephen demanded.

"But my name is Heidi..." Heidi said with a frown.

"We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh!" Cartman informed him.

"You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!" Stephen said.

"Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!" Cartman asked him.

"You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that- Aagghh-!" The man began, before a piece of wood fell off the roof, and hit him in the head.

"Stephen? Stephen, no!" the Mother cried out.

"The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins-uh!" Cartman said.

"Forgive us, Lord." the Kids cried out.

"Let us pray while Anonymous buries the body. Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry." Cartman whistled, and Jon walked in wearing a Bane mask.

"Dude. Everyone knows it's me. Why do you have to keep calling me Anonymous?" Jon asked.

"Dramatic effect." Cartman told her.

"God damn... This is the fifth body since the church started." Jon said, grabbing the body and dragging it out of the church.

"Stephen? Stephen?" the Mother said, running after Jon.


	70. Fourth Grade

_**Without this authors note, the story is exactly 200 words. Dammit. Anyways, I just wanted to say, that there are not 16 THOUSAND total south park fanfictions! Also, for the 20 of you still reading this fic, Thank you! Also, if you want to use my OC for a story, you don't need to ask. Just message me the name of the story! I love reading fanfictions! :3**_

* * *

"Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome to the fourth grade." The new teacher said.

"Holy God, dude!" Kyle breathed.

(Those titties are fuckin' huge!) Kenny yelled happily.

"My name is Ms. Choksondik." Ms. Choksondik said, writing it on the board.

"...More like, Ms. Makesmesick." Stan whispered to Kyle, giggling.

"Yeah!" Kyle said, giggling too.

"Play time is over, children! Do you understand me?! I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the fourth grade! And it is time to go to work!" Ms. Choksondik yelled, the time turning into 8:35.

"KISS MY ASS!" bot Cartman and Jon yelled out.

"Oh, weak, you guys. Seriously weak." Cartman muttered, sitting down.

"Fuck you guys." Jon sighed.

* * *

"I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!"Kyle said, jittery.

"Yeah!" the kids yelled out.

"Oh! Here she comes." Stan said, pointing.

"Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night. Please pass your papers up to the frontuh." Ms. Choksondik asked.

"Suck my nonexistent balls!" Jon yelled, getting up and mooning the teacher.

Everyone, even Cartman, still sat.

"Oh, go to hell, you assholes." Jon said, slowly sitting down.


	71. Trapper Keeper

_**I changed Jon's name for adults from Kaitlin to Jen. I think Jen fits much better :3**_

* * *

"Mistoreh Garrison, I concede." Filmore stated, sitting down.

"You... yuh, you what?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid." Filmore told him.

"Yeah. It doesn't make any sense." Sally called out.

"Ike, you could be class president." Filmore said.

"I pooped my pants!" Ike yelled.

"Mistoreh Garrison?" Filmore asked.

"Yes, Filmore?" Mr. Garrison said happily.

"Can you get someone to change Ike's diaper?" Filmore begged.

"I pooped my pants!" Ike giggled.

"...Fine. Filmore, go to the fourth grade classroom, and tell the girl wearing purple with red hair to get her ass in the men's bathroom." Mr. Garrison told him.

* * *

"You wanted t- to see me, Mr. Garrison?" Jon said, opening the door to the bathroom, slightly scared that she was gonna find a naked Mr. Garrison inside.

"Oh yes, Jon. Can you change Ike's diaper for me?" Mr. Garrison said, reading a book.

"...You called me out of class to change a fucking DIAPER?" Jon asked, yelling.

"Yes. So?" Mr. Garrison said.

"...Why me?" Jon asked.

"Because... Your a woman and shit..." Mr. Garrison said, thinking.

"You sexist bastard!" Jon said, giving him the middle finger.

"I'll pay you ten bucks to do it." Mr. Garrison said, holding out a 10 darra bill.

"Deal." Jon said, pulling off Ike's diaper.

* * *

**_I'm back to spending 15 minutes on these at 11:30 at night. :\_**


	72. Helen Keller! The Musical

"Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant." Mr. Mackey announced.

"I still can't believe Jon got the part of Recorder." Cartman muttered, staring into the crowd. Jon held up a video camera, giving him the thumbs up while sticking her tongue out at him.

"And now, here it is. The touching story of Helen Keller, 'The Miracle Worker.'"

**_"Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as a bat. _****_She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?"_** The kids all sang.

"What the fuck...?" Jon muttered, rubbing her eyes.

This is "The Miracle Worker"? Shelia asked, sitting to Jon's left.

"I... well... maybe." Sharon answered from Jon's right.

* * *

_**God damn this season of South Park. How the fuck is Jon gonna participate in Pip? Suggestions? Probably not, though. :(**_


	73. Fuck Pip Skip this if your here to read

_**Mother fucking Pip. I watched this episode. 5. different. times. and nowhere, did I find a place to include Jon that either wasn't completely pointless, or didn't completely ruin the entire episode. So, Guess what! NO CHAPTER! :D In all seriousness, I'll try to put out three chapter tomorrow to make up for it. and I promise to actually spend time writing them this time around ; - ; Once again, sorry for no chapter, and Fuck you Pip. I'm glad you died in episode 201. Spoiler alert, Pip dies in episode 201.**_


	74. Fat Camp

_**I will be putting the other two chapters before I go to bed. So within 6 hours both will be up.**_

* * *

"You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!" Stan said, running up.

"For what?" Kyle asked.

"For giving Howard Stern a hummer!" Stan told him, sitting down.

"Who-what's a hummer?" Butters asked.

"A blowjob" Jon whispered in his ear while Stan continued.

"I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!" Stan said, panicking.

"Three months?! But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!" Kyle objected.

"I know!" Stan said, raising his voice.

"He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus." Kyle said, sadly.

"You know, maybe we've all learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame." Cartman said.

"Hey Cartman." Jon said.

"Yeah?" Cartman asked.

"How would you like to go on a date with me?" Jon said, smiling.

"What?" Cartman said in disbelief.

"Would you like to go to Shakey's with me this weekend?" Jon rephrased.

"Uh... Sure!" Cartman said, smiling.

"And that, is where you fucked up." Jon said, ripping off Cartman's cap.

"CARTMAN WOULD NEVER FUCKING DATE ME!" Jon said, tossing the cap away.

"You're not Cartman at all!" Kyle said.

"Uh oh." Cartman" said.

* * *

"Don't worry, dude. You're gonna do great." Kyle reassured him.

(No way! I'm not doing this!) "Kenny" said, pulling off his hood.

"Oh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!" Kyle threatened.

(But this isn't fair!) "Kenny" mumbled.

"Let's put it this way. You're getting in there, or i'll stuff you in a fucking meat locker." Jon said, meaning every word.

(But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there!) "Kenny" mumbled.

"Deal, druggie!" Stan said, pulling "Kenny's" hood back on, and pushing him into the light.


	75. The Wacky Molestation Adventure

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you come in, please? [Mark and Linda look at each other] Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would like to ask you a few questions." Cartman gestured to the two seats in front of him.

"You're the mayor? What the hell is gong on here?! Where are your parents?!" Linda asked, sitting down.

"Parents? Ah, you mean the birth-givers. They're not around." Cartman said dismissively.

"No parents in the entire town? What happened to them?" Mark asked, to Cartman's clear annoyance.

"Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley Town, and so I will ask the questions around hyah!" Cartman boomed.

"Look, just point us to a phone, kid, alright?" Mark pleaded.

"Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the phones... quite out of service." Cartman said.

"No phones, either? How do you communicate?" Mark asked.

"Butters, I need an ETA on the car, stat. " Cartman said into a bottle, then closing it, and handing it to Francis.

"Alright, we've had just about enough here! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! I don't care what little games you kids wanna play, we just want outta here, alright?" Mark asked.

Cartman opened a Jar.

"It's gonna be about three days." A voice the couple noticed as Butters appeared.

"So, it appears that you need me. Which is good, because... I need you, too. Ringy-ding?" Cartman asked, holding out the tray.

As he held out the tray, the Mayor was suddenly knocked over.

"Assassin!" Cartman yelled.

Not a second later, the wall exploded, revealing a spit ball. A girl quickly jumped out of the hole and ran.

"Quick! It's Jon! Get her!" Francis yelled.

"Stand down. She saved my life. The next time she appears, We'll get her." Cartman growled, getting up.

"Who was that?" Linda asked.

"Jon? She's a girl that plays for neither side. A... Loner, if you will." Cartman explained.

"Huh." Mark said, speechless.

"Anyways, you see why we need your help. Tonight is Carousel. And they will try to kill one of us. Eh, you two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line. If you help us, we'll get you what you need." Cartman told them, nodding in dismissal.


	76. A Very Crappy Chapter

**_And the point of this chapter? Virtually none. Also, I love this chapter title :3_**

* * *

Jon awoke to a knocking at her "door."

"Jon! You home?" A voice called out.

"Jenny? That you?" Jon asked, quickly covering herself with a blanket.

"Yeah." Jenny said, opening the door.

"Dude. It's... 3 A.M. Why the fuck are you here?" Jon asked, blinking sleep out of her eyes.

"It's Christmas today..." Jenny began.

"Yeah?" Jon said, beckoning for her to go on.

"What did you plan on doing?" Jenny asked her.

"Sleep in, head to Shakey's, toilet paper Cartman's house. What I do everyday." Jon explained.

"Sounds... fun." Jenny said, sighing.

"So... Is there a reason to you being here or am I just gonna have to fall asleep with you staring at me?" Jon said, getting back into her bed.

"I was wondering... If you wanted to come to my house for Christmas?" Jenny asked.

"...Are you fucking kidding me?" Jon said.

"No..." Jenny said, looking down in shame.

"Of course I'll come!" Jon said happily.

"What?" Jenny asked, confused.

"I haven't done ANYTHING for Christmas my entire life!" Jon said, jumping up.

"G- Good!" Jenny stuttered.

"So, See you tomorrow?" Jon asked.

"Yeah!" Jenny said, leaving.

"Fucking finally..." Jon said, rolling over, and falling asleep.


	77. It Hits The Fan

_**When I started this story, I swore I would update everyday at least once. But, of fucking course, yesterday there was a storm that knocked out my internet until after midnight. So, Sorry of the lack of a chapter yesterday, and fuck thunderstorms.**_

* * *

"Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how can we top ourselves now?" Director 1 asked.

"Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing ploy of all time. Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone say "shit" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it "Must Shit TV". The HBC President said.

"Bravo!" Director 1 cheered.

"Night Of A Million Shits!" Director 2 said.

"Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must-" HBC President began before the doors banged open, and in walked Chef and the 5 kids.

"Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!" Chef called out.

"Who are you?" The HBC President asked Chef.

"My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come to warn _you_ about shit." Chef informed them.

"Oh brother, another Christian protest group." The HBC President said, face-palming.

"Who wants to take this one?" Director 1 asked lazily.

"I'll get it. Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern. Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great family programs like _Halo The Turtle_, and of course, everyone's favorite show, _Cop Drama_. We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network, for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and indeed, the great country that it is." Director 2 said quickly, giving them free shit and then sitting back down.

"Alright, now, as I was saying-" The President began again.

"Hey! Hold on a minute!" Chef said angrily.

"Aw, are they still here?" The President asked.

"Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?" Chef asked him.

"We think that you might have could it by helping make "shit" an everyday word." Kyle said.

"Hm, right, right." Director 4 said, rolling his eyes.

"It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our friend, Kenny." Kyle said, pushing Kenny forward, who now had bloodshot eyes.

"Do you have any proof of this?" The President asked them.

"...No." Kyle finally replied.

"Then get out of here before we have you _thrown_ out! Except... Little girl, how would you like to join our television program and make five thousand dollars?" The President asked, pointing at Jon.

"Wha... ME?" Jon asked, pointing to herself.

"Actually, make it ten thousand." The President said.

Jon glanced between Chef and the producer, before turning to Chef and giving them the finger.

"Screw you guys, I'm going on television!" Jon said, sitting down.

"But... we _can_ keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?" Cartman asked before being shoved out of the room.

* * *

"Turn off those devices of broadcast!" The Blond Knight yelled.

"What is going on here?!" the HBC President asked.

"We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices!" The Blond Knight told him.

"We command you to stop this broadcast at ONCE!" The Bald Knight screamed.

"Alright! Alright! Just don't kill anybody!" The HBC President said, shying away from the sword the knight carried.

"We did it!" Stan said, high-fiving Cartman.

* * *

"Alright. When I get on stage, I just gotta say... That's a shitty idea, Jack! Alright. I'm ready. I'm gonna be on TV!" Jon said happily.

"You can stop now, kid." A cameraman told her, walking up to the camera ad began putting it away.

"Wha?" Jon asked.

"The show was cancelled. 4 boys, a black man, and an army of knights stopped it." the Cameraman said, packing up.

"No! God DAMMIT!" Jon yelled, kicking the wall.

"Fucking traitor!" Stan said, walking over.

"God dammit! You shitheads always ruin EVERYTHING!" Jon said, tearing up.

"Dude... Don't say _shit_..." Stan told her.

"NO. I'll say _shit_ as much as I want! _Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!_" Jon screamed in rage.

Suddenly, the ground started to shake, and Geldon crawled out from the hole.

"_Shit_." Jon said, staring in horror.

* * *

**_I know in the real episode the kids came AFTER Geldon get's awakened, but I based this chapter around Jon getting a part of the TV show, and the boys fucking it up, and Jon screaming shit over and over in a rage._**


	78. Cripple Fight UPDATE

_**Hello everyone! I just wanted to quickly announce that there will be NO new update today. Why? Because I'm gonna try to rewrite a GIRLS version of Cripple Fight! I don't want to give everything away, but it will be similar. Instead of Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Timmy, and Jimmy, it's gonna be Jon, Jenny Simons, Red, Bebe, and Wendy Testaburger. Now, I'm gonna get started on writing it, but hopefully when i'm done it will be 1,000+ words.**_

_**EDIT: Sorry, Guys. But i'm not quite finished, and I doubt i'll finish by midnight. I'll try to finish it before I go to bed, but I doubt I will. But i'm almost +2000 words, and only halfway through the episode. So, Sorry!**_


	79. Cat Fight Part 1

"Well, you girls must be pretty excited: Your first night of Scouts." Mr. Testaburger said.

"It's gonna suck. We could be doing something useful, like doing our hair, but no..." Bebe said angrily.

"Yeah!" Wendy agreed.

"Well, now, that's part of the fun!" Mr. Stephens told them.

"Yeah. Both Bebe's mom and your mom were in Scouts for years!"

"Was your mom in Scouts, Jon? Oh yeah, you don't have a mom." Wendy said, smiling.

Everyone in the car was demented enough to bust a gut.

"That's not funny! Jesus Christ!" Jon said, looking pissed.

"Are you excited for your first night of Girl Scouts, Jenny?" Bebe called out to Jenny.

"Yeah!" Jenny shouted from the back, shivering from the cold.

* * *

"Hey, girls!" Red called, walking up.

"Hey, Red." Jon said unenthusiastically.

"Am I glad to see you girls! There's lots of kids here from other schools, and I don't know anybody." Red said, a bit sadly.

"Alright, girls, we're gonna head to the bar. We'll be back to pick you up at nine." Mr. Testaburger said.

"You girls just make sure to obey the scout leader now. She's the woman in charge." Mr. Stephens said.

"Hello scouts!" A girl appeared, wearing a skimpy uniform.

"Hey, it's Big Gay Gal!" Jon said happily. (i'm so fucking clever with coming up with names.)

"Who?" Bebe whispered to her.

"Big Gay Gal. She helps run Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary." Jon whispered back.

"You're the new scout leader?" Mr. Testaburger asked, wide-eyed.

"I just got transferred in. I think everyone's here now, so we can get started. Come on, Scouts. We've got work to do!" Big Gay Gal said, twirling towards a table.

"Hooray!" everyone called out, sitting down.

"See ya, Dad!" Wendy called out before sitting down.

Mr. Testaburger and Mr. Stephens just stood there, wondering if it was safe to leave their kids with this... lesbian.

"Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses." Big Gay Gal asked them.

When they finally decided that it would be better to discuss this later, they both walked out.

"Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight. She's a brave little girl with disabilities who proves just by being here that Scouts are for everyone! So let's all give a big round of applause to little... Jamie!" Big Gay Gal said, pointing to the door, where a girl with crutches walked in.

"Well hello everyone." Jamie said.

"J- Jamie?" Jon stuttered.

* * *

"Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think she should be a scout leader!" Mr. Stephens said to everyone in the bar.

"She got to where she is by being a good scout; maybe we should just leave her alone." Mr. Testaburger said, nursing his beer.

"Well how gay is she?" Mr. Simons asked.

"She's really, really gay." Mr. Stuart said, everyone arguing after that statement was made.

"Well then, I don't want my girl there, either!" Red's dad said. (_Red doesn't have a confirmed last name. if she does and I missed it, message me it._)

"So she's a homosexual. So what?" Mr. Testaburger asked.

"I have nothing against homosexuals either, Alvin (Mr. Testaburger), but the big camping trip is next week! Are you sayin' you're fine with this girl campin' overnight, alone, with our girls?" Mr. Stephens asked.

"You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they could end up all talk and all fem' and prancin' around like girls." Skeeter said randomly.

"Uh... We're talking about our daughters..." Mr. Stephens informed him.

"Oh..." Skeeter went back to cleaning his beer mugs.

* * *

"...And so that's how to make banana-nut muffins. And now, as a very special treat, our very special friend Jamie is going to do what she loves most: Motivational standup comedy. Let's give her a big hand." Big Gay Gal said, gesturing to the door again as everyone applauded.

"Wow, what a great audience. Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability. I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much. I travel to different states and talk to kids about being proud of what they are. My mom says that God has a p-plan for everyone. I guess I was plan B." Jamie joked.

Everyone began to laugh awkwardly.

"You guys like im- personations?" Jamie asked.

"How about Jimmy Stewart? Merry Christmas, movie house. And John Travolta. Oh my God, Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter, oh, oh my God, Mr. Kotter!" Jamie stuttered, to everyone laughter.

"Jamie's funny, dude." Bebe said.

"Yeah, well, she's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world!" Wendy said, admiring her courage.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and in walked Mr. Testaburger and Mr. Stephens.

"Uh, Bebe, it's nine o'clock." Mr. Stephens said awkwardly.

"Come on, Wendy." Mr. Testaburger called.

"Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales in your respective neighborhoods to raise money. We'll meet back here _next_ Tuesday, and see who raised the most. Good luck!" Big Gay Gal said, nodding.

"Hey, I have a _great_ idea! Why don't we see if Jamie wants to come be in _our_ Scout club?" Wendy asked.

"Hey, yeah!" Jon said.

"Guys, I don't think-" Jenny began.

"Hey Jamie, do you wanna join our bake sale in South Park tomorrow?" Wendy asked.

"Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, fellas." Jamie said.

"Come on, Wendy." Mr. Testaburger beckoned.

"Bye, Big Gay Gal. We had a great time!" Wendy called out.

"Yeah, see ya!" Bebe called over her shoulder.

"Bye, Jamie!" Jon and Wendy told her, finally leaving the building.

"See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas!" Jamie told them.

* * *

"You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!" Wendy said excitedly.

"Yeah!" Bebe agreed.

"We told ghost stories, a-and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!" Wendy told her dad.

"Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale." Jon explained.

"And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life! He's awesome!" Wendy said.

"Yeah, we're gonna use her to help raise money in our bake sale!" Jon told him.

"Jon, don't say "use her", you big silly goose!" Wendy said, giving Jon a playful punch on her arm.

Suddenly everyone pelted forward and hit their heads on the front of the car.

"What did you say?!" Mr. Testaburger demanded.

"I just... called Jon a name- she's a, she's a silly goose." Wendy said, wide eyed.

"Uh huh!" Mr. Stephens said, glaring.

"You do not say Big silly goose! You call her an asshole like a normal kid!" Mr. Testaburger demanded.

"Dad, I was just tryin' tuh-" Wendy began.

"Wendy, you call your friend an asshole THIS INSTANT!" Mr. Testaburger yelled.

"...Asshole." Wendy said, glancing at Jon.

"That's better." Mr. Testaburger said, continuing to drive again.

"Don't call me an asshole, you som' bitch." Jon muttered.

* * *

"Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop number six nine. Uh, please stop by and give us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, our new best friend, stand-up comic Jamie!" Wendy said, giving Jamie the mic.

"Wow, what a great audience. I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired!" Jamie said to mild laughter.

"What a terrific audience. You know, sometimes people ask me, Are you angry at God for making disabled people? I say, No, I think the world is better with puh-President Bush." Jamie said, getting almost everyone to laugh.

"What a brave little boy." Stan's mom said to nobody in particular.

"He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap! I love him!" Kyle's mom told her.

"Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting people here in South Park. H-how about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? Goddamnit! God-. No, Kitty, that's my pot pie! Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!" Jamie said, to almost everyone's amusement.

"I don't sound like that..." Eric muttered from across the street, with Stan, Timmy and Kenny sitting beside him.

"And how about that school counselor? Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad. Uh. Drugs are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs are bad, okay? Okay? Wow, what a great audience. Mr. Hat. Be quiet, Mr. Hat. Mr.- Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. Hello- Mr. Hat I'm making Salisbury steak for lunch. Salisbury steak for lunch. Eh. Uh. Goddamnit, Goddamnit! And of course, one of my very favorites, Timmy! Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, I'm living a lie! I'm living a lie, Timmy! Ti- Timmy, I'm living a lie. Heh, heh. Ah Timmy. Heh. Sometimes it's like, Please, Timmy, learn a new word, heh. Timmy! Tu-Timmy!" Jamie said, laughing.

Timmy, in outrage, grabbed a slice of one of the cakes the boys had made earlier, and dashed his wheelchair over to Jamie, launching it at her, and hitting her square on the cheek.

"Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really take the cay. I really take the k-keh cake." Jamie said, licking the cake off.

"Jam-ie! Jam-ie! Jam-ie! Jam-ie!" The crowd cheered.

"Tiiimm-mmah!" Timmy yelled in outrage, going back to their place on the other side of the street.

* * *

"Well, this is it. We've simply gotten too many complaints from concerned parents about her. I'm afraid we don't have a choice." The Head Girl Scoutmaster said.

"Hi ya fellas!" Big Gay Gal said, walking in.

"How are you today, Scout?" Head Scoutmaster asked.

"I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised over $600 for the event. Yippie!" Big Gay Gal informed him.

"Uh, Big Gay Gal, it's recently come to our attention that you are... gay." Head Scoutmaster began.

"Well, stop the presses. Did you figure that out all by yourselves, silly buns?" Big Gay Gal asked.

"Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the Girl Scouts have a policy that openly gay women cannot belong." the first scoutmaster told her.

"We are left with no options, Miss. Al. I'm afraid you are hereby... out of Scouts." Head Scoutmaster solemnly informed her.

"Out of... Scouts?" Big Gay Gal asked, disbelief in her voice.

"We're sorry, Miss. Gay Al." Head Scoutmaster told her.

"But I've been in Scouts since I was nine - it's a... huge part of my life." Ms. Gay Al said weakly.

"Uh, you must understand that Scouts is a private club. A club that follows certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral." the second scoutmaster told her.

"I see..." Ms. Gay Al said.

"It's nothing against you personally" Head Scoutmaster said quickly.

"What if I promise not to be gay anymore? Pinky swear." Ms. Gay Al asked, holding up her pinky.

"We think it's best you just... move on." the second scoutmaster told her.

"Right. Move on..." Big Gay Gal said, sighing and walking out of the office.

* * *

**_It's been four days, and this is all I got. Sue me. I'll upload the next part whenever I finish it, and i'll just merge the chapters together._**


	80. Update

_**Hello to the 20 people still reading! I just wanted to quickly say some things.**_

_**A. After updating everyday for about 2 and a half months, I needed to take a break.**_

_**B. I'm actually on vacation at the moment.**_

_**C. Jon is now featured in TWO new fanfics! South Park: An Old yet New Face by GohanGotenSon, and The New Girl In South Park by Lezzine!**_

_**D. I'm working on the second half of Cat Fight, I promise.**_

_**That's all I got for now. See ya next update!**_


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